Sicut-Dico

Category: About me

  • Preaching à la russe

    (Content Warnings: improper rusky language, war, suicide. The version in English is coming)

    (!) Внимание. Это сложный пост. Он может вызывать амбивалентные чувства.

    “Тут все иносказательно, но я в душе не ебу как другим рассказать это.”

    Неваляшка. Song by Oxxxymiron.
    Начнем сразу с главного?

    Перечитывая свой блог недавно, я сильно удивилась тому, сколько мелочей, о которых я там где-то вскользь желаю, стали уже реальностью как бы сами по себе.

    Я понимаю, что это не ультимативно работает, но когда* клоуны устраивают свои кровавые танцы на площадях, мне эту мысль особенно хочется записать, опубликовать, пожелать, станцевать, сука, с бубном. Короче!

    Это (т пиздец) закончится!

    putin is a dead man

    Отжатые подлостью территории вернутся Украине.

    Крым вернется Украине.

    Заплатят все, кто должен. Мертвые и живые.

    Никто из причастных не отмоется.

    По ссылке можно узнать больше как приблизить наступление написанного выше конкретными действиями.

    *драфт текста написан 30/09/2023, изначально я хотела дать ссылку на то, что за повод у концертов, но передумала. Ничего важного там не случилось. Это как раз все забудут.

    Теперь давайте поясню за тачку

    Ну и еще немного за силу слова.

    Тачка отдана донатом в 1uahmatters в августе этого года. Но еще в начала лета мне стало понятно, что скорее всего легализовать машину не получится, и сначала я в шутку сказала вслух в кабинете у юристов, что если не выйдет ее оформить легально в Чехии – то отдадим машину Украине, они поставят на нее пулемет. Все нервно хихикнули тогда, но дальше переключились на что-то еще.

    А мне идея очень понравилась, и вот, смотрите, от слов до дела не прошло в итоге и двух месяцев. Я должна сказать, что никогда так легко и приятно не расставалась с машиной. Хотя раньше мне за них давали деньги. Спасибо всем причастным!

    Надпись на футболке: КИЕВСКИЙ РЕЖИМ
    Отдельное спасибо ребятам за готовность к фото, коммуникацию, гибкость и апдейты по ходу пьесы. Дякую, хлопці!

    Кстати, 1UAHMatters сделали сайт, где можно оформить донат от 1 Гривны. Я не буду говорить вам что делать, но вот тут ссылка еще раз.

    Теперь за блог и язык

    За прошедшие полтора года я проехала Европу на машине с русскими номерами вдоль примерно от Таллина до Ставангера и поперек, где-то от Берлина до Афин.

    Было всякое. В моментах думала что можно бы книгу написать. “Как я нашла и потеряла веру в человечество 42 раза, прежде чем осознала, что не так с самим циклом”. Но я справилась и книга отменяется. Это было не про человечество вообще. И даже не про меня. Я еще какое-то время думала, что это было про язык. Русский. И тоже была не права.

    Проблема в языках как таковых. Точнее в отсутствии у многих способности или опыта мыслить на разных языках. Чувствовать через них нюансы культуры. Один язык – запирает людей в очень странные ловушки, где культура и традиции переплетаются с травмой и вопросами самоидентификации. Я об этом и писала, и говорила уже, но тольком не понимала как же оно работает.

    Поговорив как-то с одним “русским”, который родился в Эстонии, живет сейчас в Норвегии, в России никогда не был, но говорит базово на русском, и очень переживает, что как-то его не очень любят вокруг за его русскость. Я тогда помню зависла на мысли, а что его вообще связывает с Россией кроме языка?

    И вот после десятка встречь таких руцких разной степени агрессивности в разных точках Европы до меня таки стало кое-что доходить.

    Коробочка, в которую эти самые умы заперты последнюю сотню лет с хуем, превратилась в бункер с хоррор аттракционом, который травит обитателей слезоточивым газом и убеждает, что выключить газ нельзя, можно только поменять на более смертельный, так что надо терпеть этот. И они терпят.

    Зачем, никто уже не знает. Терпят из страха и по привычке, кто как

    Это, кстати, была плохая новость сейчас, и в целом самая печальная и драматичная часть поста. Вы молодцы, если еще читаете. Я горжусь вами!

    Дальше будет полегче. Но не всем

    Так вот. Хорошая новость в том, что я встретила значительно больше людей, говорящих на русском языке по рождению, но также владющих двумя-тремя или более языками, у которых получилось выключить газ. Я продолжаю встречать таких людей.

    Только говорим мы с ними часто не на русском. Иначе иногда газ запускается неосознанно, приходится проветривать помещение. Неудобно.

    Вот тут если вы поняли метафору, вам может стать полегче.

    И я фиг знает, дамы, господа, и небинарные персоны, как иначе донести то, что я чувствую. Так вот как-то несу, расплескиваю, прошу понять и простить авансом.

    это Последнее предупреждение из возможных, клянусь

    Щас может быть больно всем в месте где живет любовь к родине, это нормально, товагисщи, выдыхайте. У нас проблема токсичного родителя континетального масштаба. Она решится, обязательно, но мы с вами должны дышать глубоко и помнить зачем мы здесь. Это нормально, если кто-то чувствет не так как вы. В этом и прикол. Я за этим и делюсь с вами своими чувствами. Чтобы вы откалибровали свои.

    Так вот. Че я хотела вам донести?

    Русский из nот май мэйн лэнгвидж, Блять anymore

    Он наказан, во-первых. А иногда по-просту непрактичен.

    Это всего лишь значит, что текстов на русском будет мало. Я на нем все еще говорю, особенно с близкими. Но вот многие темы, которые мне важны, на русском я просто не живу. И вам не советую. Если уже на то пошло.

    Так ментальное здоровье оказалось проще поддерживать. Простите, если кому-то неприятно такое читать, я понимаю, вы возможно подписывались на гейство и рецептики, но у нас тут теперь порно и война.

    Не читайте дальше, если вас тригерит мой взгляд на язык или тема суицида

    Для всех, кто остался, давайте еще раз поясню текстом за всё что наслучалось: если вы знаете меня больше года, или не дай бох еще больше, вам сейчас может быть очень сложно меня понимать, даже если вы стараетесь, это ок, просто дайте себе время узнать меня заново.

    Я такое уже писала несколько раз, но мне важно чтобы все услышали меня так, как мне нужно.

    Версии меня, которая существовала до 24 февраля прошлого года больше с нами нет. И нет, я не в кислоте это пишу. Я вполне серьезно. Сейчас попробую обяснить почему это так важно.

    Когда война перешла в активную фазу, моя суицидалка сорвала резьбу и периодически ложила меня на такое ментальное дно, что страшно становилось уже не только мне. Ну точнее наверное стоит сказать, что я не могла больше не показывать черноту внутри.

    Я стала искать то ли причину, то ли способ, скорее что-то среднее, и отчасти помогло отключение языка и культуры, которые для меня были родными. Я по сути переизобрела свою личность заново. Без тригеров, без боли, без токсичных ловушек, без обид, с любовью к новой себе.

    Вроде бы все даже получилось очень себе ничего.

    Но было довольно непонятно что же делать с остатками уже не такой загадочной русской души. Это было последнее, что я в себе не любила. И с момента начала активной фазы войны полюбить эту часть стало еще сложнее. Сложность варьируется новостной повесткой.

    Финал проповеди

    А морали у басни нет.

    Мы с вами подвисаем в моменте, где я предложу вам пойти в мой блог на сайте, прочитать посты на английском, посмотреть на мою голую жопу как я жила в эти полтора года, и как минимум поставить форточку на свою коробочку попытаться понять мои месседжи.

    Со временем станет понятнее, обещаю. Но опять же не всем.

    Сегодня же определенно могу сказать вот только одно: каждый свободный человек с карманными деньгами прямо сейчас может оформить донат в одну гривну. И это точно поможет людям, которые прямо сейчас умирают за свободу самого знания о том, что можно выключать газ.

    Фото сделано в Hirtshals, Denmark

  • Social Media status update for IG junkies

    (CW: NSFW, profanity, nudity, capitalism and mental health)

    As I predicted just a few weeks before – I got blocked on IG. Well. What can I say? I didn’t even start posting the fun stuff. But I’m not surprised.

    I’m not sad about it either. I’m taking this as a badge of honor. Also, no, I’m not going to start over there again. For fuck sake why should I?

    Let me share a piece of text I was writing in a private email about one project related to mental health issues to make it crystal clear at least between us here.

    I don’t believe that YouTube or Instagram are resources for fighting the crisis. They are the cause. Of course, this is my personal judgment based on my experiences. But let me be even more direct: none of these capitalist-based media platforms want to talk about the mental health problems they create.

    Why would they?

    Let’s try to slow down and breathe into this question. Why whoud the companies making billions from people’s screen addiction want to even see this as a problem?

    I’m not saying I will give up on all the people using Instagram daily. Quite the opposite. I’m just not planning to create more accounts there myself. I’ll explain.

    All photos illustrating the social media series represent our collective attitude to the current state of the social media world. Don’t try to make sense of what you see. I mean try but not too hard.

    Photo by WhiteOrchestra
    Why do we keep feeding the monster?

    Of course, I understand the crowd effect. They say jump. They always do.

    Of course, it was also convenient for me to use IG to connect with people and get clients.

    It’s been around for so long. It’s almost like some people can’t even imagine the world without it.

    I, gladly, can.

    None of the things they accuse me of are lies. Or wrong. It’s just not okay on IG. I’m simply seeing this as there is no space for me on this platform. Nothing personal. I just have no right to be there according to the rules.

    What I don’t understand is why other people like me keep coming back to IG even though they are being treated like shit by Meta? It’s almost like they accept that there is no alternative to it. They censor themselves. They try to play by the rules. Try to fit in.

    Photo by WhiteOrchestra

    But there is something else I’m pretty confident about. I’ve seen what happens when the majority accepts that they have no rights. They lose not only their rights. They lose the ability to make their own choices at all.

    Yes, I’m referring to my experience with russia. I’m afraid I can’t ignore the similarities.

    (Btw, I still have my account on IG with most of the posts in russian. Here it is.)

    To be able to make a choice we need to believe in the existence of options.

    Photo by WhiteOrchestra
    Would you like to start a little revolution with me?

    No. I’m not going to invite you to quit Instagram today. I know it’s too much.

    I’m only offering you to consider the existence of different choices, and not just blue pills and red pills. Imagine there are all kinds of colors and you can mix and match.

    You don’t have to make your choice today.

    Photo by WhiteOrchestra

    You maybe don’t even have to choose between them at all.

    What you can do today, though, is to light up the match for yourself.

    Do a little research on the topic of decentralized media if you don’t know what it is yet. Look at the history. Ask yourself: do I feel good using Meta products?

    If you are investing your time into any other platform – please just read their terms and conditions. Don’t produce content blindly.

    If you stopped using Meta products and found another way, don’t blame others who can’t do it yet, just share what works for you.

    let’s be kind to each other

    Offering and accepting the idea of different choices. I don’t believe that we can force anything else.

    Photo by WhiteOrchestra

    Although on my end I’d like to propose another safety option for sex workers and adult content creators of any kind.

    I’m ready to make and maintain a professional catalog on my website, for now, just a simple list with links and names, so people who don’t have their own website can have a link to share that can’t be blocked, also exchange audiences between independent sex workers, photographers, if they have sites and so on.

    Also, I keep inviting you to look at alternatives to Meta and join the decentralized media world via Mastodon or in any other way. Discover it for yourself. If you like the kind of content that you see here, I promise, you’ll meet more people like me from all over the world.

    What do you think?

    You don’t have to tell me. I mean I’d be glad to hear, too. But. Tell your followers on IG or Twitter. Tell your friends. There’s no universal solution. It’s okay. The only thing I’m trying to convince you to see – there are options.

    if you want to be on this list email me at sw@sicut-dico.com (put “SW catalog” in the subject) – you can apply as a model, as a content creator, as a sex worker, or like me, state yourself as all of this.

    Photo by WhiteOrchestra
    What else?

    If you are an active IG user you might want to follow the accounts of my team members, we’ll try to forward most of the important information there to keep you updated.

    Photo by WhiteOrchestra

    You can follow the accounts that Sil created recently here and here. They will mirror the most important posts on this website to a degree that IG allows.

    Here you can follow the account mirroring this website.

    This one is for artists and canbedone people.

    If you want to help me dismantle capitalism consider supporting my blog or buying my products.

  • when a hammer is just a hammer

    CW: Police, suicide, activism, drugs

    Update. It’s 13:06 (25.07) I got back home and washed my feet, and now my plan is to briefly write down the things I want to share here and then I need to take some rest.

    I’m impressed. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I had no idea how kind this city is. Thank you, Prague! To everyone who stopped, who looked me in the eyes, who took pictures, who asked questions, to those who smiled, and especially to the grumpy ones.

    I love you.

    I know, my message was long and confusing. I’ll try to change it next time. Right now I have a lot of tension in my body because I was holding a hammer with my story hanging on it for almost 3 hours. But I never felt that free. And now I know a little bit more about how to phrase myself better. I know it’s hard to understand my motives. It’s okay.

    I didn’t go anywhere else. I thought I’d sit down, have a break and continue for another hour or two. But my body was not ready to do more. I can’t say it was my easiest performance. But it wasn’t hard either. I don’t know how else to tell you this. I felt like I was doing exactly what I had to do.

    …

    The text below is written by me today so I could print it and personally display it tomorrow in Prague’s city center. I plan to start here at 9 am and be there for 3-4 hours at least. I’ll keep my location updated. If anyone wants to come and talk to me or take a picture together. You are very welcome. Also, feel free to help me by sharing this post wherever you feel like. Thank you.

    Dear people of Prague, I’m standing humbled and grateful for the right to share my story with you. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not here to protest, and certainly not to judge anyone. I’m just a girl who sells herself on the internet and is happy to do so. Not really the judgment material, right? Good. That’s my goal.

    I’m here to say: thank you, Czechia.

    Also, I believe in you! Especially today!

    I believe that those whose duty is to judge today would do well to be very careful and remain human.

    I know we can. If anyone still can – I believe it’s you, the people of Prague.

    I am grateful for the free air I breathe here and I want to return the favor with the most precious thing I have: honesty.

    The ability to be naked. Not just physically. But also spiritually.

    This is a dark story about drugs and suicide. If you are feeling triggered, don’t read on and ask for help.

    I want to share what I’ve learned and what I think about drugs as someone whose classmates used to celebrate the end of the year with heroin.

    I was born in 1986 on a piece of the old Silk Road, russian territory, technically, but five times closer to Mongolia than to Moscow. 

    As far as I could find out: I’m half Dutch and half Ukranian if the linguistic and geographical characteristics of my origin are anything to go by. English is not my native, but the preferred language I speak at home.

    I’m a hyper-sensitive queer female, a former project manager, marketing strategist, and web developer who gave up on corporations and is only willing to serve art and love. 

    My cousin died from drugs at the age of 25. I started smoking weed at around the same time, when I was 13, at the same time as I tried alcohol and tobacco. But I mostly developed addictions to alcohol and tobacco. I only smoke weed now, for the last 1,5-2 years.

    I’ve tried to live sober. I can, technically. I did a lot of therapy and still do. I help other people to stop drinking now and find a lot of support in it. Living in Berlin I found a lot more souls like myself and I’m glad I’m not alone anymore.

    I just have one problem – from time to time I just can’t see the state of the world and feel like burning myself in the main square just to hit the lucky bingo. Put me out of my misery. And give you a reason to think that maybe everything isn’t going so well inside people like me.

    When I smoke certain strains of weed, I can forgive myself for not being perfect. For feeling what you call “too much”. I can self-reflect and understand myself better. That’s why I moved to the Czech Republic. I feel a bit safer here than anywhere else to be that kind of addict.

    I gave up smoking cigarettes only at 26 or 27. Alcohol addiction stayed with me until 32. I smoke weed for a few years now. I’ve never done anything I regret after being stoned. I can’t say this about alcohol.

    Legal drugs are the worst. Because they are everywhere. Because people keep offering you a drink even if you try to ask them not to.

    I’m sure I could easily live a sober life in a sober world. 

    But do we have one?

    We have to understand that the issue is not THE DRUGS AT ALL.

    The issue is the escape that more and more people are craving. 

    Desperately.

    To just break out from this cruel and harsh reality, we are all trapped in. Just for a brief moment.

    This May I went to Norway for vacation. I tried to bring weed with me. I was not hiding it. I just could not imagine this could cause any issues for me. I was stupid. So I was processed by the police there for 4 days and that caused me a mental health crisis. At least 12 people were involved. 

    12 people. for 4 days. were dealing with one suicidal girl and her few grams of a plant that is growing on our planet probably longer than we exist. 

    Is there logic?

    Why do we not ban tools like hammers and knives, but do this with other tools like drugs? How do we select good and bad drugs?

    Why do some people in the police believe that it’s a good idea to shake those kids selling the wrong drugs on telegram instead of looking at the other end of the mess?

    Is it just me seeing this as a very safe way for police to do their jobs technically but also only treat the symptoms and punish people who are the most vulnerable in the whole chain?

    Could it maybe be different if we try to protect the weakest? Not to punish them further for being vulnerable in the first place?

    Again. I’m just a girl who sells her body on the internet and advocates for art. I’m no one to judge. I just have questions. Or let’s call them thoughts to share.

    I don’t have the answers either. 

    I’m not talking only to the Czech Police here. I’m addressing everyone in the system all over the world who has a human heart.

    I’m only here to say that I think we can find our answers faster if we try to hear each other before we judge.

    Thank you for trying to hear me out. 

    Thank you for being a place I want to live FOR and AT. 

    If you’re still reading this and want to ask me a question, please do. In-person if you still can. Or by e-mail.

  • Midyear update for returning users

    (trigger/content)Warnings: money, politics, strong personal opinion, longread, no nudity)

    First of all, I feel very nice to know that I’m not just screaming into the void anymore and have more curious souls landing here daily to watch me.

    Welcome.

    However you got here.

    Who is this post for?

    If you are here to see how my project develops – this post is for you for sure. If you have your own project in development or only plan to start something, feel free to learn from my mistakes. You can send me a blank email to newsletter@sicut-dico.com to get updated without following me on social media.

    But let’s get to the screenshots below. Here I try to show you a bit of the dynamics of returning and new users over the last year according to google analytics.

    My plan is to update you on every 1000 unique users landing here until it gets either too fast or too boring. Now it’s getting more and more interesting every day, but it’s my perspective.

    Let me first explain what it means – to get 1000 unique users on an independent website. But while I’m doing this I’m going to ask you to try to not think of these 1000 users from the perspective if it’s good or bad. It’s neither. It’s just a step. It’s just a number.

    Half of this time or even more I had less than 30 users a month. In December 2022 I published twice more posts as during all the months before.

    I launched the store in April 2023.

    I have around 500 followers on Instagram, less than 300 on Mastodon, below 100 on Chaturbate and Fetlife, below 10 on Reddit.

    I had less than 10 orders through the store. Most candles I sell before taking pictures of them.

    So here I have to ask you and myself to stop evaluating and get back to observing. None of the things mentioned above are good or bad.

    From the side of my expectations, the candle business is going faster than I expected and most of the time I like it, the development of the audience is rather slow though. I guess the perfectionist inside me expected this to happen faster. Like a lot faster.

    Well. I’m very grateful to myself that I could actually take it so slow.

    The spikes represent the moments when I’d posted more actively but in general, I consider my posting activity quite low at this whole time and inconsistent.

    It’s good that it’s slow enough so it’s possible to actually see the magic later. Or the absence of it. Depends how you look, of course. Also, my posting consistency is getting better, obviously.

    But what is the price of this all? I received a lot of feedback. Positive, negative, constructive, judgmental, mixed, carefully sorted. Silence and ignorance count as feedback too. I got plenty.

    Why do I not care for followers on social media? How dare I write so much about myself? Why do I not run ads for myself if I run them for others? How is it so complicated and disturbing? Why do I price myself so high? Do I promise something, but not deliver it? Do I really want to sell candles or do I just want attention?

    generalised feedback from mainstream social media audience

    All those questions I received daily. The most invasive ones come usually as dm’s on Instagram. Some came from people who barely knew me, some from absolute strangers, funny enough even people whom I considered close to me tended to slide into my dm’s with one or two phrases generally telling me that I’m not fulfilling their expectations for some reason.

    That’s one of the things why I don’t like mainstream social media for. Their whole concept is toxic. Especially Facebook products – they are designed to help the black-and-white style of thinking to thrive and consume our souls.

    I’d like to keep mine away from that madness. As much as I can.

    So here is the compromise. I keep running my accounts on the evil soil because I can connect there with other like-minded people. But don’t generate content that benefits the platform and I for sure do not give it my own money anymore.

    If you are one of that returning users, you probably already got that. But I’m trying to make sure we are all on the same page.

    What is going on here now?

    This post is an explanation that will work only for people who are ready to understand. The speed of growth might change soon. So this post is also my intention to document the current statistics and comment on what I consider important to share right now.

    When we were in Greece, I got my old Instagram account unblocked with 6000 users who knew me as a russian-speaking blogger. It returned to me after almost a year-long ban.

    I didn’t advertise this website to them yet. I’m not sure they’ll all like what I have to say here, but I think some will understand.

    Here’s the link btw – if you only know me from my English-speaking side, you may have to use the translation function. It’s also a private account, since I posted anti-Moscow ideas last year I suffered my first bot attack, I don’t need to see it again. I add new real users 2-3 times a week, feel free to knock on my old life door if you’re real.

    Just keep in mind – the person who used to run that blog is dead. I’m not that person anymore. I might have inherited some of the values, perhaps some hobbies, but not all the stuff by far.

    I like how innocently touristic we look here with Gene

    That’s exactly why I created this site. To grow my own bubble of people who appreciate the same things and care about feelings in the same way. But this time with no chance for any platform to take away my right to connect with those who chose to connect with the new version of me. And it’s happening.

    Well. Like everything that happens to me, it’s a bit wild and full of complications, but it’s okay.

    Store orders, bookings and emails

    I’m still more or less a one-person operation. The people who help me are listed as co-creators but they all have their own projects, so I’m open to hiring more assistants for canbed.one purpose, my kinky projects and the general goal of the destruction of capitalism, but this will be unfolded in another post.

    I’m at least a week behind on emails, I’ll catch up by the end of this week.

    Shop orders are already underway, if you’ve ordered candles you’ll get updates by tomorrow evening

    I’m fully booked for July and August. If you’re thinking of hiring me this year, please get in touch now.

    What’s the plan further?

    Have I ever said that I dream to fuck capitalism with its own relics?

    It’s not just a pretentious phrase. My dreams have a high chance of becoming real if I focus on them. That’s exactly the part of the magic I’m trying to show you. Or the absence of it.

    But it’s not an easy task either. I’m going to need your help.

    I intend to keep going on the energy exchange where I give what I have to give, and those who have the intention to take the gifts can take them anytime they feel ready. The story will only get better with time.

    Next station is: money making factory

    Here we are getting to the part of the story that you can’t see at all unless I expose it

    My financial results from this project. (You can see the euro symbol on the screenshots, but google analytics doesn’t represent reality) Also, I need a good accountant to give you better money stats, but let’s start with some numbers today.

    In the first year, I got a bit more than 200 EUR from less than 15 people.

    In the last two months, I got more than 2000 EUR (from how many people – impossible to say, that’s why I need an accountant).

    But I think those who want to understand my point about sharing money dynamics got the point. Or hopefully a few points. I have no intention to write them down here, it’s too early. But I want to write a few more questions here.

    1. Would it be possible for me to even go this way without having a financial backup pillow from my old life?
    2. If I, a professional marketing specialist and business owner with 10+ years of experience, feel frustrated sometimes while promoting myself because it’s a completely different story, then how the hell are other artists without all this experience supposed to handle all this shit?
    3. Can we change the situation by exchanging our experiences more openly, actively, and with a higher level of transparency?
    4. How does talking about money often makes you feel?
    5. Have you ever thought about how useful it is to preserve the current state of the financial system if everyone more or less avoids talking about money unless absolutely necessary or feels uncomfortable asking for payments?

    Anyway. Call me crazy, but I want to live in a world where paying for something or being paid for something aren’t off-putting topics.

    There’s no shame in exchanging resources or power consensually.

    In this world, everything has a price. We pay with money, our time or our health, our kindness or our reputation, and some things cost some of us our lives. Nothing is free. We are the essential result of an exchange of energy, whether we like it or not. But the part where right now most of us are born already in debt does not have to stay.

    I’m sorry if that’s complicated.

    That’s why I’m here asking you to be patient and kind. I slowly understand myself and allow you to see the world as I see it. As I feel it. Not to make you feel the same. Not to evaluate things as right or wrong.

    I don’t have all the answers.

    I’m only the impulse.

    So the next step is the one where I help Gene with their financial strategy and focus on making communication about money more comfortable for us all.

    If you like what I’m doing you can support my blog here. If you want to follow our discussion about money specifically – send us a blank email with the word “money” in the subject field to newsletter@sicut-dico.com.

    Since you’re still here, let me give you a quick example of the toxicity of modern media. This is a photo of Gene eating seafood (which I paid for) after having a horrible, expensive coffee for breakfast (which I also paid for). It was literally the only enjoyable food we’d eaten in the last 48 hours, while Gene worked for me in multiple roles, 10-12 hours a day. But if you don’t know all this background and you see Gene asking for money for her grocery bills the next day, will you feel like helping her?

  • The link of hope

    Long Awaited Silence Of Mind (坂本龍一に捧げる) by bogolepov

    Hope is an excellent example of a magical power that can also be made by hand. This post is my gentle push into universe number 2 and, I hope, a demonstration of that power.

    The first one I wrote almost 2 weeks ago on Mastodon. Below is a screenshot of it (which I took just before publishing this one).

    For a whole bunch of reasons, I can’t get any more involved in the process of attracting public attention and helping someone in a horrible situation personally. But I found the solution and I think that even if, by the time attention is drawn, the system has already spat the person out, it is absolutely necessary to investigate and understand how this is possible.

    Somehow I just happen to be the one to start the process. If I would be religious I could say that I was chosen to do so. But I simply understand the pain. And how stupid and unnecessary it is.

    How it started for me

    My Norway crisis made me realize one particular thing about the systems of power. Even the most civilized ones. They have no soul. But humans do. Even those who choose to lock their souls behind their badges.

    This post I wrote a week after getting back from so-called vacation and it doesn’t matter how this information got to me. But matters when. Exactly in the middle of my own mental crisis.

    I’m not sure if the universe got the first push right because the person I’m talking about is STILL NOT FREE

    Yes, this is also a good example of how unproductive is helplessness. No likes. No boosts. I wish I could phrase it better that day.

    Maybe I’m being overly sensitive as usual. But I have a strong feeling that we need some democracy here. Not better phrasing. And I’m afraid democracy is a process that involves people and their will to do something.

    So my link of hope will lead today to my dear Gene. I’m asking the ones who are close to the person in jail. I know you are reading this. Please contact Gene on any social media with a private message or send an email to gene@bogolepov.eu

    Gene will keep us all updated further. Btw she just released a new single (you can listen to it while reading this post). Please consider supporting her work if you like what we do.

    Here is what’s given again:

    The person was supposed to be released in April this year but his family still has no contact with him now and the public defender that was involved is stating that nothing can be done. It’s been two months since his sentence was supposed to end.

    Is it okay to just lose a person in jail?

    Is there something wrong with me that I can’t accept as a topic that needs to be kept quiet about?

    The answer should come in actions. I’ll add links to this post on different social media once we get it reposted. Please share it wherever you can, if you want to help, and however you want. Use your own words. Take a screenshot of mine. Repost. Comment. Talk to your lawyer buddy. Support my blog.

    If you have practical ideas on what legal actions can be done and are willing to help personally – contact Gene.

  • Ultimate warnings

    Please, read the content warnings in my posts carefully and do not continue if you feel uncomfortable. Ask for help. Or just ignore me.

    This post is my response to all sorts of unwanted feedback I’ve received so far and will be receiving in the future.

    it’s OK not to like what I do
    I didn’t choose to be born the way I am.

    it’s okay not to understand why I do what I do
    It’s fine to be confused. Be kind to yourself. That’s what we should all try to do more often.

    It’s OK to be different
    I don’t want to lose myself in self-promotion, but the world needs to know how I feel.

    Creating freedom is far more important than reach. So I refuse to waste my life on platforms like IG. It’s toxic for me and too fake. Even if most people will never click on my links and get to know the real me. That’s okay. Some will.

    I ask you to pay attention to my openness and not to play with the powers that come with it. I don’t exist to entertain you or for you to judge me.

    I exist to connect minds and build new bridges.

    This is my playground. My temple. And my artistic study (all that and so much more).

    Not everyone is ready for me. But if you understand me. Or at least want to try, you’re always welcome here. Feel free to be weird. Be yourself.

    There’s nothing wrong with asking questions. I think it’s cool to be curious. Remember how different we can be.

    just mind the content warnings!

    Love you,

    Sicut

  • SWSG LIVE MAY

    UPD – support group at 11 AM CEST is happening as planned, more info will appear here.

    My chaturbate room stays embedded at the end of the post. Next time I plan to be online on Monday the 29th of May. To join the Q&A session say hi to me via sw@sicut-dico.com

    19.05.2023 15:13 The first round of broadcasting is done, uploading the recorded video now, and will drop it here soon.

    Did eventually 2 rounds of broadcasting, received one token at the end, and one comment on Mastodon with a “thank you”.

    18.43 Now I feel like I didn’t say even half of what I wanted to say. But let’s count this as one more reason to continue.

    20.05.2023 11:59 Here is the recording from yesterday. My imposter syndrome was especially strong this morning telling me to not post the video because I’m too honest, too vulnerable, too stoned, and/or just not good enough. But I decided that I don’t have the right to judge.

    uncut and unedited so far – will reprocess it and add subtitles later if anyone else finds it helpful

    13:56 Asked Gene to look at the material, in the meanwhile sent a link for prepayment to a client and talked to another who picks up freshly done candles today. This is a moment to remind myself about my own rule. Actions are always better than words. I’m fully booked in May. June and July are half gone. I have more plans and clients to deal with than I can possibly take as a single human being. I sell candles faster than make them and I didn’t even start advertising the store yet.

    No, this is not an accident.

    Yes, I totally believe that other people can get there too and this world needs more happy sex workers and free creators of any kind of safe and fun experiences.

  • Dates and locations

    (TW: short suicide mention, massive solipsism)

    UPD: May is fully booked.

    This post is for everyone who actually wants to meet me or cares for me otherwise. Yes, I know it became difficult recently. I’m also freaking out with the speed of my life. But it’s okay. It’s normal for me.

    The only solution for this I see is planning. Yes, the plans tend to fall apart, but that’s why we have backup plans, right?

    I recharged my batteries and am ready to share. I have a fresh set of warnings though. It’s not gonna get less disturbing than it already is. If it is there, it’s there. If what I say, write, or do is already at least partially disturbing for you – this will only get worse. And it has to get a lot worse before it can get any better. I’m sorry if you are not ready for me. It’s not your fault. Neither it’s mine. The world is broken, not us.

    Anyways.

    Here is what I have on my plate for the next couple of months in terms of

    dates,

    locations,

    and requests for the universe.

    Now you can’t tell me you didn’t know.

    I can be booked alone or with co-creators. My calendar is especially well synchronized with Gene and WO and we still have some free dates in July and a strong will to undermine the System.

    May

    The first two weeks of May I was freezing my ass to an average temp of +11C in Norway. Turned out it was necessary to speed up the process of killing the old version of myself. That one that wants to kill me from time to time.

    Looks like I’ve found its weak spot. Finally!

    I’m back in Prague and generally available for bookings and creative exchange here, in Berlin by arrangements, and what’s most important for now: ONLINE.

    Dates:

    27.05. – Kitkatclub Berlin – in charge of Let’Z Fetish Academy station (clinic area) – if you plan to be in the club and wish to collaborate on content creation – contact me asap.

    19/24/29/31 – creative support groups (CBD project) – free online meetings for creators on topics of motivation, mental health, addictions, financial independence, and productivity.

    Online groups on the 19th and 29th with be hosted on Chaturbate. The topic is SEX WORK, of course. Here is a post with more information on this event.

    Locations:

    By the end of the month, I’m planning to balance between Prague and Berlin, with a few stops in the Czech countryside.

    Accepting recommendations and company for wakeboarding, wind, and kitesurfing locations in CZ, DE and around EU.

    Requests to the universe:

    We are still looking for a home in Prague for Sil and her 2 children. She is in Kyiv for now but will be back next week and I think this is my most important wish this month: to find a comfortable place for them. So if you know a real estate agent who is not an asshole could be ready to help us, or a landlord renting out 2KK+ or a bigger flat in Prague, or might know one of them, please share this request and point them to me.

    June

    UPD: fully booked for June

    dates & Locations:

    1st-15th – creative escape in the Czech countryside

    8th – Psycho KitKat Berlin,

    15th-25th Athens, Greece,

    26th-31st Berlin

    ONLINE:

    5/12/19/26 CBD creative support groups

    Requests to the universe:

    1 music studio, 1 rehearsal base, accountants, lawyers, drivers, likeminded people, 1 sailing teacher, 1 good psychiatrist, 1 wakeboard trainer

    July

    Partially available in Berlin and Prague, planning a show in Prague and another creative escape in the countryside after it.

    Feel free to reach out about booking specific dates, my July is flexible until the end of May. More info will appear later.

    Requests to the universe:

    BDSM ballet’s first action must happen in July, not later. Not sure if I can or should explain why. I trust myself in this and asking you to join me.

    If you know me and managed to read until here – write the fuck to me already, let’s plan something. If you don’t know me, but like what I do consider supporting me or spreading the word about my projects.

    Love!

  • Good news, everyone!

    Your Mistress is still a criminal according to the local standards. Still, since the bureaucrats can’t really ruin my life due to my marriage with an EU citizen, I’ll only get a fine for bringing my dangerous “narcotics” to this safe county.

    I’m utterly exhausted emotionally, but I also feel like it wasn’t just happening with me, it was happening FOR me. So I could eliminate illusions concerning our state of development and awareness.

    On Monday I met one more person who was put on my case and I still can’t wrap my head around the idea, that more than a dozen of people were involved in dealing with me and my 5 grams of herb that is growing on this planet perhaps longer than we exist.

    Anyways. This probably will seem ridiculous but I feel grateful for this experience. Not to Norwegian police, don’t get me wrong. To myself. For how I managed to handle this crisis.

    It’s not the first one for me. And not the last one, most likely. But it’s the first time when I almost immediately shared my feelings here and almost immediately I received support.

    Now I’m returning to the original plan of having my sailing vacation and freezing my ass out in this beautiful and windy coldness.

    Here are some pictures from my phone so you can also enjoy the landscapes, alpacas and me doing nothing on the boat.

    Thank you, darlings, for having my back.

  • Suicidal crisis in Norway

    TW: suicidal thoughts and hypocrisy

    I don’t know if we should call the mess we all live in a civilization. It’s terribly misleading.

    I write this partly to digest the events myself, but mostly to expose the reality.

    To whom it may concern. I don’t have a big audience here yet. Also, it doesn’t matter. This is just a step. One of the many steps I need to take to keep moving forward.

    Important is that this story will stay here. Just as it will remain in my memory. And, I hope, in the memories of those involved too. Memories are not indexed by search engines though.

    Let’s start with the emotional part first

    On Friday, I wanted to kill myself with a pocket knife or just smash my head against a glass door so that the glass would break and cut my throat, hopefully badly.

    No, this is not a metaphor.

    I had these thoughts at the police station, where I was being detained for bringing CBD weed into Norway.

    I wanted them to scrap my blood from the floor and question their own existence, whilst my suffering would be ended.

    When they let me out (but kept my passport so I had to show up the next day), my suicidal plan scenery moved over & outside, to somewhere in the main square of this town.

    I know what that looks like. Stop reading if this triggers you.

    It’s horrible. Disturbing. Stupid. And yet, it’s real. It happens to me.

    When I checked into the hotel I was allowed to stay for that night.

    I asked for an emergency phone number to call in case of a mental health crisis. I knew I needed help. I knew the thoughts I was having were not okay.

    Do you think I was able to talk to anyone? No. The best I got was a chat service that told me they wanted to be there for me, and then, I guess, moved on to the next line.

    Like I said. Civilization is a misnomer. It’s just an illusion. Maybe it works for the rich or the insensitive. I am neither type.

    Writing all of this makes me feel so silly after the crisis is over. But I have to do it. This is not the kind of post I had planned to write. But it’s the kind of message this world needs to read.

    My therapist asks me to be kind and patient with myself.

    So I try. That’s why you can read it here. And that’s partly why I’m still breathing.

    But I am trapped in my own logic. It’s all my fault, of course. For bringing the weed. For not checking all the rules, but falling for the truth that I wanted to be real (that it’s 2023 and medical cannabis is a normal part of life).

    But no. Apparently, this is not the case in Norway. Here I am a criminal.

    UPD SATURDAY EVENING

    Today, for an hour, a Russian voice read official documents to me over the phone as I sat in the police station surrounded by three officers. I asked that the Russian language not be used, as it is a trigger for me, especially when people in uniform surround me.

    But they said they are doing what is right.

    It was a real torture for me. Even though everyone was very polite and no one touched me, of course, I still felt tortured. I can also say that not everyone enjoyed it. But some did. I know what sadists look like. I’m one too.

    I think I should also mention here that I was harassed and beaten by the police in my own country. Seems like that memory has stayed with me much deeper than I thought.

    Anyway. I’m out of crisis for now, we’ve rejoined our company on the boat and I’m technically free until Monday. I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow and then I hope to enjoy the fjords a bit.

    Now let’s get to the factual part

    On Friday I was processed by 4 police officers and I’m not counting the people who searched us and my car once they got us. I’m sure it was more than 5 of them plus a dog. I didn’t hide anything since I didn’t consider it illegal, but they still undressed us and threw all our belongings to the floor and dirty benches around.

    On Saturday I had 3 people dealing with me at the station, plus the translator spoke to me on the phone.

    However, my point here is that so far me, my 6,5g (together with the bag btw) of CBD weed, has gotten the attention of more than 10 government employees. And I’m only counting the people I spoke with or saw with my own eyes.

    I hope Norwegian people feel very safe.

    NB. Apparently, Norwegian police people believe that telling me that I “speak good English for a russian” – is totally a valid compliment and not at all an insult. Well. They also called Czech Republic “Czechoslovakia”, so I guess it fits the whole picture.