21.12. Soelden
22.12. Innsbruck
23-24.12. Zürich
25.12. Lugano
25-28.12. Milano, Florenz
29-31.12. Geneva
1.01. Montpellier
2.01. Barcelona
3.01. Madrid
8.01 – 30.01 – South of Portugal or southwest of Spain.
The whole month in Portugal. Plans to visit Faro, Lisbon, Porto, and everything in between.
Check How to buy me? and SuperXXXma$$ offer before reaching out.
What do you think is human’s worst fear? No, not the fear of death. Loneliness. We, people, tend to avoid being alone with the closest, most understanding and dearest person – yourself.
This year I have enough energy to fix the loneliness issue for at least a few lucky individuals or perhaps even couples.
Lifechanging experiences.
Authentic sensitivity. Sophisticated approach. Structured BDSM.
I hope you’ve noticed who I’m kissing in the photo. Meet my witch sister J.
I only met her a couple of months ago, and although we both grew up spanking tons of buts with loads of tools at LetzFetish Academy’s basement of Berlin’s Kitkatclub. So to not team up on the XXXmas adventure would be a crime against love.
For BDSM specifics, please check our fetlife profiles. This is mine. This is J’s. Just keep in mind that we are also so much more.
Click here for Dates and Locations.
alone we charge from 10000 EUR and, together – from 25000 EUR
Classic BDSM session, pre-session negotiation, security check, and of course aftercare. This is at least 10 hrs of our time in total, where half of it is preparation. Expect a lot of communication with us and our assistants to make your experience truly unique.
Because what we do is art. Also, we play like we’ve spent a few lives together.
We are not just special. We are everything you could dream about, but also professional and sensitive. Playing with your levels of dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin, and endorphin.
We are both good to start with if you are new to this, and a perfect match for those who have tried everything or are looking for a more tailored experience.
We request the deposit upfront. Direct bank transfer or crypto. We can provide you with an invoice or arrange full anonymity.
Send your requests for bank transfer details to bookings@sicut-dico.com
Send crypto to Coinbase Wallet @wallet976gnc34j5izfe
Don’t just say hey! Politely introduce yourself, specify the date, location, and other details.
After the deposit is paid and the date is secured you will have a direct chat with us and two of our assistants. There is no such thing as too much preparation for a session.
Hotel rooms and studios are to be paid extra.
Don’t think for too long – we have only a few slots by this year’s end. From the next one, the price will grow.
We guarantee the safety of your identity and full discretion. If you are sensitive to this topic, don’t hesitate to mention it. We help to take every precaution.
Don’t get scammed! We will never approach you on social media trying to sell our services. We don’t offer discounts, our assistants do not approach anyone with a sales offer. All our accounts are listed here, on this website.
The text below I sent to my lawyers in response to their “I hope everything went well” on my return from the outdoor performance that I call now the hammer message (that I went to deliver in person to the city of Prague’s police drugs department. Click here to read the message text)
“Everything went perfectly, I couldn’t have imagined it any better. I arrived barefoot with my poster hanging from a hammer, and I stood in front of the drugs department for almost 3 hours.
I hadn’t managed to prepare the Czech translation properly and had only used the text in English. So I expected very few people to understand my message. Maybe tourists, and they were really funny, some tried to give me money and realized that wasn’t the point.
However, I’m proud and impressed by the way people reacted to my message. I’m proud and impressed by the way the police treated me. I didn’t feel threatened, but many of them approached me. They also took photos from the windows. They smiled. One of them called what I had done a performance art and asked me if it was right to call it that. One of them said “Good luck”. Nobody spat in my face. Nobody told me to leave.
So I intend to come back with a version of my message in Czech and a slightly different structure of it.”
Calm. As if I’d done exactly what I had to do. I think that’s what you call being fulfilled. I wrote most of this the next day, but I decided to give it more time to see if I still feel that way later.
Yes, I still do.
I also feel grateful to myself for allowing this experience to happen. I think I’m still decoding what I learned that day. And for sure I’m still processing the feedback.
Here’s a first glimpse of what I have to share.
In the morning, the traffic wasn’t calm and I sensed a lot of anxiety in the driver. I told him I wasn’t in a hurry and when we arrived he was calmer than before. I suppose I took some of his anxiety with me.
I arrived at 9:08 AM. I was full of anxiety, but it wasn’t mine.
(I left home wearing flip-flops, but in a taxi, I immediately took them off and put them in my bag. Touching the ground with my naked soles was somehow calming me down.)
The first hour was the slowest, the easiest on my mind, and perhaps the hardest on my body. I chose the spot, took my hammer out of the bag, put the poster on it, and started to meditate on my breath to slow it down. I looked at the buildings, the trees, the windows, the cars, and the people.
I recognized smells and heard sounds, but above all, I concentrated my mind on a single task.
To stay as far away from judgment as possible. Just to observe and be there. I only wanted to bring the message. I was the message.
The first people to interact with me were tourists. They tried to give me money. A coin.
I wasn’t prepared for that at all. I didn’t accept the coin. They insisted a bit. Not verbally. They spoke German in front of me, assuming I couldn’t understand them. While I was thinking about what I could say to them in German, they left.
My body tensed up after that. The longer I stood there, the more uncertain I felt. I wasn’t cold, even though I was dressed very lightly, but I was frozen. I could feel different levels of anxiety from outside, absolutely everyone around me was more or less anxious, whereas in my mind alone I felt peacefully numb.
I saw a lawyer arriving late to an anxious client, people waiting for an appointment without knowing what was going to happen to them, people arriving and parking anxiously, forgetting things in their car, typing something on their phones.
How do I know that? Anxiety has a particular smell for me. It’s slightly bitter. I wish I could explain more.
At the time, I found it interesting to observe the extent to which anxiety allowed others to notice me. For example. The most anxious didn’t see me at all.
The construction workers smiled at me a lot. They were the calmest people I’d encountered there. And I started to smile back. And almost immediately I felt my body become lighter and stronger. That was the key.
I started smiling at windows, at people in cars, and even at grumpy faces.
When the first two people who obviously worked in one of the buildings came up to me and nodded, I smiled at them, probably like an idiot. They were standing in front of me and really reading my text, line by line, both of them.
I was ecstatic to have the chance to observe them so closely, but I also felt that my main aim at the time was to make them feel as comfortable as possible when reading my text. I tried to give them space and not stare at them all the time. It wasn’t easy. I was curious to see their reactions.
The later it got, the more people there were in the street and the more overwhelmed I felt.
My original idea was to change places every 30 minutes or so. But when I got to the second place, some lady came and told me I wasn’t supposed to be there.
So I moved 30 meters and realized I was in front of the drugs department. The universe had spoken. I changed my plan and stayed there for the rest of the time.
After 10 o’clock, the street really came alive. More clients and lawyers. More cars. More tourists. More anxiety.
I smiled at the windows and noticed that I was being photographed.
A lady from a nearby Kostel came up to me and said that we should find God together in church. I replied that I had already found God who had told me to be exactly where I was. To do what I was doing. I didn’t even feel weird saying that. I meant it. I still mean it.
The lady didn’t like my answer. She looked at me disappointed and walked away mumbling something unclear.
After 11 o’clock, I had to move back, closer to the wall of the building, so as not to disturb passers-by. Once or twice I had to ask people who stopped to read my message not to block the whole street. I knew I’d need a break soon. But the situation was getting more and more interesting.
I found it particularly fascinating to observe again and again how some people seemed to be eager to tell me what they were thinking, but when someone else approached, they stopped talking and walked away. As if they could only speak with me when no one else was close.
I left just before midday. At first, I thought I’d take a break and come back. But my body sent me a few clear signals that the show had to be over with that. And my mind agreed that we should come back with the message in Czech.
I think that was the most important thing I realized that day. It’s definitely the language I want to learn and speak.
I think that was the question that was asked the most that day. Not only from the people in uniform but also from strangers. Some asked me if it was personal. Had they done something for me? Or a friend of mine? One Canadian dude really tested my patience by asking me to tell him whether I was for or against the police.
I continued to say that I was there to serve art and love. And to point out that we don’t prosecute for tools like hammers, but we do for other tools like drugs.
We don’t have to be stupid squirrels. We have god-like technologies and tools already and acting rather medieval when it comes to regulating them. This can change. We just have to stop acting as if we know what’s right and wrong. We don’t. Not yet.
It was not an act of protest. Neither did I try to support anyone.
To be completely honest – I had no clue why I was doing it until it was done. Until I was there.
Or let’s say I know more than before. I needed this experience to understand my own strengths and weak spots even better. It was quite a therapy for me. Especially the feedback I received after.
Now I know I’m not alone for sure. I always thought so. But now I really know.
I’ll share more on this topic soon. Thank you for reading this. If you like what I’m doing consider supporting my work.
Photos by Paw Patrol. Proof-reading – Gene Bogolepov.
(CW: war, languages and nations)
The occupied territories will be returned to Ukraine.
Crimea will be returned to Ukraine.
All who owe will pay. Living and dead.
No one involved will be unaccounted for.
Here you can find out more about how to put the above into effect through a variety of actions.
This draft text was written on 30/09/2023. I know since then we got into another old war, but it doesn’t the one that is already up.
Well, and a little more to the power of words.
The car was handed over to 1uahmatters in August this year. At the beginning of the summer, I realised that it probably wouldn’t be possible to legalise the car, and I first joked in the lawyers’ office that if the car didn’t work legally in the Czech Republic, we’d give it to Ukraine and it would be fitted with a machine gun. Everyone laughed nervously, then moved on.
But I really liked the idea and it didn’t take two months to put words into action. I have to say that I’ve never parted with a car so easily and pleasantly. Even if, in the past, I had been given money for it. Thanks to everyone involved!
By the way, 1UAHMatters has set up a website where you can sign up to donate as little as 1 UAH. I won’t tell you what to do, but here’s the link.
As this post was originally written in Russian and is aimed directly at the audience who knew me in my previous life, some parts of the text lose meaning in translation, while others are already crystal clear to my English-speaking peeps here. However, there is an important metaphor. An important metaphor that I ask you to register in your mind. And to share your opinion if you wish.
Over the past year and a half, I’ve traveled Europe in a car with a terrorist state’s license plates along roughly from Tallinn to Stavanger and across, somewhere from Berlin to Athens.
There were all sorts of things.
For instance, I once talked to a “Russian” who was born in Estonia, now lives in Norway, has never been to Russia, but speaks basic Russian, and is very worried that somehow he is not very well-liked around for his Russianness. I remember thinking then, what does he have in common with Russia apart from the language?
At moments I thought I could write a book. “How I found and lost faith in humanity 42 times before I realised what was wrong with the cycle itself.” But I got over it and the book was cancelled. It wasn’t about humanity at all. And it wasn’t even about me. I thought for a while longer that it was about the language. Russian oc. And I was wrong, too.
But after a dozen meetings with Russians of varying degrees of aggression in different parts of Europe, something began to hit me.
The problem is languages per se. More precisely, many people lack the ability or experience to think in different languages. To feel the nuances of culture through them. One language locks people into bizarre cages where culture and tradition are intertwined with trauma and identity issues. I’ve written and spoken about this before.
The cage, in which these very minds have been locked up for the last hundred years, has been turned into an isolated horror bunker, slowly filled up with some moderately toxic gas. The inhabitants of this bunker/cage are convinced that you can’t turn the gas off, you can only change it to a more lethal one, so you have to put up with this one. And so they do.
WHY? NOBODY KNOWS ANYMORE. SOME TOLERATE IT OUT OF FEAR SOME OUT OF HABIT
That, by the way, was the bad news right now, and overall the saddest and most dramatic part of the post. You’re doing great if you’re still reading. I’m proud of you!
The good news is that I’ve met a lot more people who speak Russian by birth but also speak two or three or more other languages, who have managed to turn off the gas and get out of that cage. And I continue to meet them — almost every day.
Except that, we often don’t speak the terrorist state’s language with them. Otherwise, sometimes the gas starts unexpectedly, so we have to ventilate the room. Uncomfortable.
This language is simply punished on my end, for one thing. And sometimes it’s just impractical.
It only means there won’t be many russian texts. I still speak it, especially with some of my loved ones. Many topics are important to me, I just don’t live in the realm of the russian language. This is primarily a matter of my mental health and productivity.
***
As to a key takeaway – there’s none. But there is a hint, nevertheless: Only love, compassion, and cooperation can bring us forward.
Today I can definitely say only one thing: every free person with pocket money right now can make a donation of one UAH. And it will definitely help people who are dying right now for the freedom of the very knowledge that you can switch off the gas.
Publisher/Editor: Gene Bogolepov
(Content Warnings: improper rusky language, war, suicide. The version in English is coming)
(!) Внимание. Это сложный пост. Он может вызывать амбивалентные чувства.
“Тут все иносказательно, но я в душе не ебу как другим рассказать это.”
Неваляшка. Song by Oxxxymiron.
Перечитывая свой блог недавно, я сильно удивилась тому, сколько мелочей, о которых я там где-то вскользь желаю, стали уже реальностью как бы сами по себе.
Я понимаю, что это не ультимативно работает, но когда* клоуны устраивают свои кровавые танцы на площадях, мне эту мысль особенно хочется записать, опубликовать, пожелать, станцевать, сука, с бубном. Короче!
Отжатые подлостью территории вернутся Украине.
Крым вернется Украине.
Заплатят все, кто должен. Мертвые и живые.
Никто из причастных не отмоется.
По ссылке можно узнать больше как приблизить наступление написанного выше конкретными действиями.
*драфт текста написан 30/09/2023, изначально я хотела дать ссылку на то, что за повод у концертов, но передумала. Ничего важного там не случилось. Это как раз все забудут.
Ну и еще немного за силу слова.
Тачка отдана донатом в 1uahmatters в августе этого года. Но еще в начала лета мне стало понятно, что скорее всего легализовать машину не получится, и сначала я в шутку сказала вслух в кабинете у юристов, что если не выйдет ее оформить легально в Чехии – то отдадим машину Украине, они поставят на нее пулемет. Все нервно хихикнули тогда, но дальше переключились на что-то еще.
А мне идея очень понравилась, и вот, смотрите, от слов до дела не прошло в итоге и двух месяцев. Я должна сказать, что никогда так легко и приятно не расставалась с машиной. Хотя раньше мне за них давали деньги. Спасибо всем причастным!
Кстати, 1UAHMatters сделали сайт, где можно оформить донат от 1 Гривны. Я не буду говорить вам что делать, но вот тут ссылка еще раз.
За прошедшие полтора года я проехала Европу на машине с русскими номерами вдоль примерно от Таллина до Ставангера и поперек, где-то от Берлина до Афин.
Было всякое. В моментах думала что можно бы книгу написать. “Как я нашла и потеряла веру в человечество 42 раза, прежде чем осознала, что не так с самим циклом”. Но я справилась и книга отменяется. Это было не про человечество вообще. И даже не про меня. Я еще какое-то время думала, что это было про язык. Русский. И тоже была не права.
Проблема в языках как таковых. Точнее в отсутствии у многих способности или опыта мыслить на разных языках. Чувствовать через них нюансы культуры. Один язык – запирает людей в очень странные ловушки, где культура и традиции переплетаются с травмой и вопросами самоидентификации. Я об этом и писала, и говорила уже, но тольком не понимала как же оно работает.
Поговорив как-то с одним “русским”, который родился в Эстонии, живет сейчас в Норвегии, в России никогда не был, но говорит базово на русском, и очень переживает, что как-то его не очень любят вокруг за его русскость. Я тогда помню зависла на мысли, а что его вообще связывает с Россией кроме языка?
И вот после десятка встречь таких руцких разной степени агрессивности в разных точках Европы до меня таки стало кое-что доходить.
Коробочка, в которую эти самые умы заперты последнюю сотню лет с хуем, превратилась в бункер с хоррор аттракционом, который травит обитателей слезоточивым газом и убеждает, что выключить газ нельзя, можно только поменять на более смертельный, так что надо терпеть этот. И они терпят.
Зачем, никто уже не знает. Терпят из страха и по привычке, кто как
Это, кстати, была плохая новость сейчас, и в целом самая печальная и драматичная часть поста. Вы молодцы, если еще читаете. Я горжусь вами!
Так вот. Хорошая новость в том, что я встретила значительно больше людей, говорящих на русском языке по рождению, но также владющих двумя-тремя или более языками, у которых получилось выключить газ. Я продолжаю встречать таких людей.
Только говорим мы с ними часто не на русском. Иначе иногда газ запускается неосознанно, приходится проветривать помещение. Неудобно.
Вот тут если вы поняли метафору, вам может стать полегче.
И я фиг знает, дамы, господа, и небинарные персоны, как иначе донести то, что я чувствую. Так вот как-то несу, расплескиваю, прошу понять и простить авансом.
Щас может быть больно всем в месте где живет любовь к родине, это нормально, товагисщи, выдыхайте. У нас проблема токсичного родителя континетального масштаба. Она решится, обязательно, но мы с вами должны дышать глубоко и помнить зачем мы здесь. Это нормально, если кто-то чувствет не так как вы. В этом и прикол. Я за этим и делюсь с вами своими чувствами. Чтобы вы откалибровали свои.
Так вот. Че я хотела вам донести?
Он наказан, во-первых. А иногда по-просту непрактичен.
Это всего лишь значит, что текстов на русском будет мало. Я на нем все еще говорю, особенно с близкими. Но вот многие темы, которые мне важны, на русском я просто не живу. И вам не советую. Если уже на то пошло.
Так ментальное здоровье оказалось проще поддерживать. Простите, если кому-то неприятно такое читать, я понимаю, вы возможно подписывались на гейство и рецептики, но у нас тут теперь порно и война.
Для всех, кто остался, давайте еще раз поясню текстом за всё что наслучалось: если вы знаете меня больше года, или не дай бох еще больше, вам сейчас может быть очень сложно меня понимать, даже если вы стараетесь, это ок, просто дайте себе время узнать меня заново.
Я такое уже писала несколько раз, но мне важно чтобы все услышали меня так, как мне нужно.
Версии меня, которая существовала до 24 февраля прошлого года больше с нами нет. И нет, я не в кислоте это пишу. Я вполне серьезно. Сейчас попробую обяснить почему это так важно.
Когда война перешла в активную фазу, моя суицидалка сорвала резьбу и периодически ложила меня на такое ментальное дно, что страшно становилось уже не только мне. Ну точнее наверное стоит сказать, что я не могла больше не показывать черноту внутри.
Я стала искать то ли причину, то ли способ, скорее что-то среднее, и отчасти помогло отключение языка и культуры, которые для меня были родными. Я по сути переизобрела свою личность заново. Без тригеров, без боли, без токсичных ловушек, без обид, с любовью к новой себе.
Вроде бы все даже получилось очень себе ничего.
Но было довольно непонятно что же делать с остатками уже не такой загадочной русской души. Это было последнее, что я в себе не любила. И с момента начала активной фазы войны полюбить эту часть стало еще сложнее. Сложность варьируется новостной повесткой.
А морали у басни нет.
Мы с вами подвисаем в моменте, где я предложу вам пойти в мой блог на сайте, прочитать посты на английском, посмотреть на мою голую жопу как я жила в эти полтора года, и как минимум поставить форточку на свою коробочку попытаться понять мои месседжи.
Со временем станет понятнее, обещаю. Но опять же не всем.
Сегодня же определенно могу сказать вот только одно: каждый свободный человек с карманными деньгами прямо сейчас может оформить донат в одну гривну. И это точно поможет людям, которые прямо сейчас умирают за свободу самого знания о том, что можно выключать газ.
Listen to the full album here
“Bodies” is Gene’s favorite track from this album, so we started with it.
I hope we can recall here that our human body is in fact the most sophisticated of all drug dispensers, simply because it can produce unique cocktails specially designed for us.
I hope we’ll be grateful to our bodies more often.
(CW: NSFW)
A raw clip of Gene’s voice reading my favorite bits of the Bible as we prepare for 31.08.2023.
Tattoo by kitchentattooer.
(filmed by Paw Patrol)
bogolepov + gender id
kitchen
Paw patrol
(CW: NSFW, profanity, nudity, capitalism and mental health)
As I predicted just a few weeks before – I got blocked on IG. Well. What can I say? I didn’t even start posting the fun stuff. But I’m not surprised.
Let me share a piece of text I was writing in a private email about one project related to mental health issues to make it crystal clear at least between us here.
I don’t believe that YouTube or Instagram are resources for fighting the crisis. They are the cause. Of course, this is my personal judgment based on my experiences. But let me be even more direct: none of these capitalist-based media platforms want to talk about the mental health problems they create.
Why would they?
Let’s try to slow down and breathe into this question. Why whoud the companies making billions from people’s screen addiction want to even see this as a problem?
I’m not saying I will give up on all the people using Instagram daily. Quite the opposite. I’m just not planning to create more accounts there myself. I’ll explain.
All photos illustrating the social media series represent our collective attitude to the current state of the social media world. Don’t try to make sense of what you see. I mean try but not too hard.
Of course, I understand the crowd effect. They say jump. They always do.
Of course, it was also convenient for me to use IG to connect with people and get clients.
It’s been around for so long. It’s almost like some people can’t even imagine the world without it.
I, gladly, can.
What I don’t understand is why other people like me keep coming back to IG even though they are being treated like shit by Meta? It’s almost like they accept that there is no alternative to it. They censor themselves. They try to play by the rules. Try to fit in.
But there is something else I’m pretty confident about. I’ve seen what happens when the majority accepts that they have no rights. They lose not only their rights. They lose the ability to make their own choices at all.
Yes, I’m referring to my experience with russia. I’m afraid I can’t ignore the similarities.
(Btw, I still have my account on IG with most of the posts in russian. Here it is.)
To be able to make a choice we need to believe in the existence of options.
No. I’m not going to invite you to quit Instagram today. I know it’s too much.
I’m only offering you to consider the existence of different choices, and not just blue pills and red pills. Imagine there are all kinds of colors and you can mix and match.
You don’t have to make your choice today.
You maybe don’t even have to choose between them at all.
What you can do today, though, is to light up the match for yourself.
Do a little research on the topic of decentralized media if you don’t know what it is yet. Look at the history. Ask yourself: do I feel good using Meta products?
If you are investing your time into any other platform – please just read their terms and conditions. Don’t produce content blindly.
If you stopped using Meta products and found another way, don’t blame others who can’t do it yet, just share what works for you.
Offering and accepting the idea of different choices. I don’t believe that we can force anything else.
Although on my end I’d like to propose another safety option for sex workers and adult content creators of any kind.
I’m ready to make and maintain a professional catalog on my website, for now, just a simple list with links and names, so people who don’t have their own website can have a link to share that can’t be blocked, also exchange audiences between independent sex workers, photographers, if they have sites and so on.
Also, I keep inviting you to look at alternatives to Meta and join the decentralized media world via Mastodon or in any other way. Discover it for yourself. If you like the kind of content that you see here, I promise, you’ll meet more people like me from all over the world.
You don’t have to tell me. I mean I’d be glad to hear, too. But. Tell your followers on IG or Twitter. Tell your friends. There’s no universal solution. It’s okay. The only thing I’m trying to convince you to see – there are options.
if you want to be on this list email me at sw@sicut-dico.com (put “SW catalog” in the subject) – you can apply as a model, as a content creator, as a sex worker, or like me, state yourself as all of this.
If you are an active IG user you might want to follow the accounts of my team members, we’ll try to forward most of the important information there to keep you updated.
You can follow the accounts that Sil created recently here and here. They will mirror the most important posts on this website to a degree that IG allows.
Here you can follow the account mirroring this website.
This one is for artists and canbedone people.
If you want to help me dismantle capitalism consider supporting my blog or buying my products.
CW: Police, suicide, activism, drugs
Update. It’s 13:06 (25.07) I got back home and washed my feet, and now my plan is to briefly write down the things I want to share here and then I need to take some rest.
I’m impressed. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I had no idea how kind this city is. Thank you, Prague! To everyone who stopped, who looked me in the eyes, who took pictures, who asked questions, to those who smiled, and especially to the grumpy ones.
I love you.
I know, my message was long and confusing. I’ll try to change it next time. Right now I have a lot of tension in my body because I was holding a hammer with my story hanging on it for almost 3 hours. But I never felt that free. And now I know a little bit more about how to phrase myself better. I know it’s hard to understand my motives. It’s okay.
I didn’t go anywhere else. I thought I’d sit down, have a break and continue for another hour or two. But my body was not ready to do more. I can’t say it was my easiest performance. But it wasn’t hard either. I don’t know how else to tell you this. I felt like I was doing exactly what I had to do.
…
The text below is written by me today so I could print it and personally display it tomorrow in Prague’s city center. I plan to start here at 9 am and be there for 3-4 hours at least. I’ll keep my location updated. If anyone wants to come and talk to me or take a picture together. You are very welcome. Also, feel free to help me by sharing this post wherever you feel like. Thank you.
Dear people of Prague, I’m standing humbled and grateful for the right to share my story with you. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not here to protest, and certainly not to judge anyone. I’m just a girl who sells herself on the internet and is happy to do so. Not really the judgment material, right? Good. That’s my goal.
I’m here to say: thank you, Czechia.
Also, I believe in you! Especially today!
I believe that those whose duty is to judge today would do well to be very careful and remain human.
I know we can. If anyone still can – I believe it’s you, the people of Prague.
I am grateful for the free air I breathe here and I want to return the favor with the most precious thing I have: honesty.
The ability to be naked. Not just physically. But also spiritually.
This is a dark story about drugs and suicide. If you are feeling triggered, don’t read on and ask for help.
I want to share what I’ve learned and what I think about drugs as someone whose classmates used to celebrate the end of the year with heroin.
I was born in 1986 on a piece of the old Silk Road, russian territory, technically, but five times closer to Mongolia than to Moscow.
As far as I could find out: I’m half Dutch and half Ukranian if the linguistic and geographical characteristics of my origin are anything to go by. English is not my native, but the preferred language I speak at home.
I’m a hyper-sensitive queer female, a former project manager, marketing strategist, and web developer who gave up on corporations and is only willing to serve art and love.
My cousin died from drugs at the age of 25. I started smoking weed at around the same time, when I was 13, at the same time as I tried alcohol and tobacco. But I mostly developed addictions to alcohol and tobacco. I only smoke weed now, for the last 1,5-2 years.
I’ve tried to live sober. I can, technically. I did a lot of therapy and still do. I help other people to stop drinking now and find a lot of support in it. Living in Berlin I found a lot more souls like myself and I’m glad I’m not alone anymore.
I just have one problem – from time to time I just can’t see the state of the world and feel like burning myself in the main square just to hit the lucky bingo. Put me out of my misery. And give you a reason to think that maybe everything isn’t going so well inside people like me.
When I smoke certain strains of weed, I can forgive myself for not being perfect. For feeling what you call “too much”. I can self-reflect and understand myself better. That’s why I moved to the Czech Republic. I feel a bit safer here than anywhere else to be that kind of addict.
I gave up smoking cigarettes only at 26 or 27. Alcohol addiction stayed with me until 32. I smoke weed for a few years now. I’ve never done anything I regret after being stoned. I can’t say this about alcohol.
Legal drugs are the worst. Because they are everywhere. Because people keep offering you a drink even if you try to ask them not to.
I’m sure I could easily live a sober life in a sober world.
But do we have one?
We have to understand that the issue is not THE DRUGS AT ALL.
The issue is the escape that more and more people are craving.
Desperately.
To just break out from this cruel and harsh reality, we are all trapped in. Just for a brief moment.
This May I went to Norway for vacation. I tried to bring weed with me. I was not hiding it. I just could not imagine this could cause any issues for me. I was stupid. So I was processed by the police there for 4 days and that caused me a mental health crisis. At least 12 people were involved.
12 people. for 4 days. were dealing with one suicidal girl and her few grams of a plant that is growing on our planet probably longer than we exist.
Is there logic?
Why do we not ban tools like hammers and knives, but do this with other tools like drugs? How do we select good and bad drugs?
Why do some people in the police believe that it’s a good idea to shake those kids selling the wrong drugs on telegram instead of looking at the other end of the mess?
Is it just me seeing this as a very safe way for police to do their jobs technically but also only treat the symptoms and punish people who are the most vulnerable in the whole chain?
Could it maybe be different if we try to protect the weakest? Not to punish them further for being vulnerable in the first place?
Again. I’m just a girl who sells her body on the internet and advocates for art. I’m no one to judge. I just have questions. Or let’s call them thoughts to share.
I don’t have the answers either.
I’m not talking only to the Czech Police here. I’m addressing everyone in the system all over the world who has a human heart.
I’m only here to say that I think we can find our answers faster if we try to hear each other before we judge.
Thank you for trying to hear me out.
Thank you for being a place I want to live FOR and AT.
If you’re still reading this and want to ask me a question, please do. In-person if you still can. Or by e-mail.
(trigger/content)Warnings: money, politics, strong personal opinion, longread, no nudity)
First of all, I feel very nice to know that I’m not just screaming into the void anymore and have more curious souls landing here daily to watch me.
Welcome.
However you got here.
If you are here to see how my project develops – this post is for you for sure. If you have your own project in development or only plan to start something, feel free to learn from my mistakes. You can send me a blank email to newsletter@sicut-dico.com to get updated without following me on social media.
But let’s get to the screenshots below. Here I try to show you a bit of the dynamics of returning and new users over the last year according to google analytics.
My plan is to update you on every 1000 unique users landing here until it gets either too fast or too boring. Now it’s getting more and more interesting every day, but it’s my perspective.
Let me first explain what it means – to get 1000 unique users on an independent website. But while I’m doing this I’m going to ask you to try to not think of these 1000 users from the perspective if it’s good or bad. It’s neither. It’s just a step. It’s just a number.
Half of this time or even more I had less than 30 users a month. In December 2022 I published twice more posts as during all the months before.
I launched the store in April 2023.
I have around 500 followers on Instagram, less than 300 on Mastodon, below 100 on Chaturbate and Fetlife, below 10 on Reddit.
I had less than 10 orders through the store. Most candles I sell before taking pictures of them.
So here I have to ask you and myself to stop evaluating and get back to observing. None of the things mentioned above are good or bad.
From the side of my expectations, the candle business is going faster than I expected and most of the time I like it, the development of the audience is rather slow though. I guess the perfectionist inside me expected this to happen faster. Like a lot faster.
Well. I’m very grateful to myself that I could actually take it so slow.
The spikes represent the moments when I’d posted more actively but in general, I consider my posting activity quite low at this whole time and inconsistent.
It’s good that it’s slow enough so it’s possible to actually see the magic later. Or the absence of it. Depends how you look, of course. Also, my posting consistency is getting better, obviously.
But what is the price of this all? I received a lot of feedback. Positive, negative, constructive, judgmental, mixed, carefully sorted. Silence and ignorance count as feedback too. I got plenty.
Why do I not care for followers on social media? How dare I write so much about myself? Why do I not run ads for myself if I run them for others? How is it so complicated and disturbing? Why do I price myself so high? Do I promise something, but not deliver it? Do I really want to sell candles or do I just want attention?
generalised feedback from mainstream social media audience
All those questions I received daily. The most invasive ones come usually as dm’s on Instagram. Some came from people who barely knew me, some from absolute strangers, funny enough even people whom I considered close to me tended to slide into my dm’s with one or two phrases generally telling me that I’m not fulfilling their expectations for some reason.
That’s one of the things why I don’t like mainstream social media for. Their whole concept is toxic. Especially Facebook products – they are designed to help the black-and-white style of thinking to thrive and consume our souls.
I’d like to keep mine away from that madness. As much as I can.
So here is the compromise. I keep running my accounts on the evil soil because I can connect there with other like-minded people. But don’t generate content that benefits the platform and I for sure do not give it my own money anymore.
If you are one of that returning users, you probably already got that. But I’m trying to make sure we are all on the same page.
This post is an explanation that will work only for people who are ready to understand. The speed of growth might change soon. So this post is also my intention to document the current statistics and comment on what I consider important to share right now.
When we were in Greece, I got my old Instagram account unblocked with 6000 users who knew me as a russian-speaking blogger. It returned to me after almost a year-long ban.
I didn’t advertise this website to them yet. I’m not sure they’ll all like what I have to say here, but I think some will understand.
Here’s the link btw – if you only know me from my English-speaking side, you may have to use the translation function. It’s also a private account, since I posted anti-Moscow ideas last year I suffered my first bot attack, I don’t need to see it again. I add new real users 2-3 times a week, feel free to knock on my old life door if you’re real.
Just keep in mind – the person who used to run that blog is dead. I’m not that person anymore. I might have inherited some of the values, perhaps some hobbies, but not all the stuff by far.
That’s exactly why I created this site. To grow my own bubble of people who appreciate the same things and care about feelings in the same way. But this time with no chance for any platform to take away my right to connect with those who chose to connect with the new version of me. And it’s happening.
Well. Like everything that happens to me, it’s a bit wild and full of complications, but it’s okay.
I’m still more or less a one-person operation. The people who help me are listed as co-creators but they all have their own projects, so I’m open to hiring more assistants for canbed.one purpose, my kinky projects and the general goal of the destruction of capitalism, but this will be unfolded in another post.
I’m at least a week behind on emails, I’ll catch up by the end of this week.
Shop orders are already underway, if you’ve ordered candles you’ll get updates by tomorrow evening
I’m fully booked for July and August. If you’re thinking of hiring me this year, please get in touch now.
Have I ever said that I dream to fuck capitalism with its own relics?
It’s not just a pretentious phrase. My dreams have a high chance of becoming real if I focus on them. That’s exactly the part of the magic I’m trying to show you. Or the absence of it.
But it’s not an easy task either. I’m going to need your help.
I intend to keep going on the energy exchange where I give what I have to give, and those who have the intention to take the gifts can take them anytime they feel ready. The story will only get better with time.
Here we are getting to the part of the story that you can’t see at all unless I expose it
My financial results from this project. (You can see the euro symbol on the screenshots, but google analytics doesn’t represent reality) Also, I need a good accountant to give you better money stats, but let’s start with some numbers today.
In the first year, I got a bit more than 200 EUR from less than 15 people.
In the last two months, I got more than 2000 EUR (from how many people – impossible to say, that’s why I need an accountant).
But I think those who want to understand my point about sharing money dynamics got the point. Or hopefully a few points. I have no intention to write them down here, it’s too early. But I want to write a few more questions here.
Anyway. Call me crazy, but I want to live in a world where paying for something or being paid for something aren’t off-putting topics.
There’s no shame in exchanging resources or power consensually.
In this world, everything has a price. We pay with money, our time or our health, our kindness or our reputation, and some things cost some of us our lives. Nothing is free. We are the essential result of an exchange of energy, whether we like it or not. But the part where right now most of us are born already in debt does not have to stay.
I’m sorry if that’s complicated.
That’s why I’m here asking you to be patient and kind. I slowly understand myself and allow you to see the world as I see it. As I feel it. Not to make you feel the same. Not to evaluate things as right or wrong.
I don’t have all the answers.
I’m only the impulse.
So the next step is the one where I help Gene with their financial strategy and focus on making communication about money more comfortable for us all.
If you like what I’m doing you can support my blog here. If you want to follow our discussion about money specifically – send us a blank email with the word “money” in the subject field to newsletter@sicut-dico.com.
