no substances consumption during the meeting: water only, no smoking
event is free, donations will help a lot (online donations via mycelium)
MAIN MESSAGES
the world is broken, not us – how to fix it? we talk. that is a start already!
we are all different and thus we seek help & recover differently.
how to respect that? – i will ask the group each time what would they personally see as triggers.
what should we avoid doing or saying? so each live gathering might have additional rules according to sensitivities of the participants. please respect them.
how to respect our differences and triggers and still talk about addictions openly? please share your ideas or concerns with us viamoon@sicut-dico.com
chicken and egg, IN A NUTSHELL 😉
chicken & egg dilemma or vicious circle, name it as you like, but here it is:
the more pressure we feel – the more we crave escape – then we develop addictions and need to escape from them too. sometimes we just trade or substitute addictions. but do we really escape?
we try to ban drugs without understanding that our bodies are the most sophisticated drugs dispensers ever existed, we can’t ban nature. we need to understand and take control. everyone needs to find what makes them happy. sounds easy, yet reality is hard.
for many of us even basic formula of healthy living is hardly accessible. sensible nutrition and active lifestyle, essential for good mental health and for support of our self-love and self-confidence, become somewhat of a luxury. even the knowledge itself of some specifics of your body is a privilege, as it is only available to those who have access to medical services.
how to change it? how to survive it?
together it’s easier. and even though we might not have much money, but what we have is our community. for many rich people it’s an unknown luxury.
if you feel like it is somehow fucked up, you are right, it is. humanity is going into a dangerous direction.
Here is the event concept that I want to dedicate the whole next year to. And it’s not about entertainment. It’s about survival. It is basically a very sophisticated version of an AA support group without god or guilt.
Why addiction?
Because I am an addict. And most of us are.
But I am the lucky one. I learned how to survive and now want to support the ones who are a bit less lucky.
For whom?
For everyone who doesn’t fit
Artists, atheists, sex workers, everyone who has any kind of addiction issues and especially those who don’t find traditional support groups helpful for them.
The main goal is to put an end to the hopeless cycle of making money with money for money’s sake, but this is a long-term endeavor.
So we can start by supporting the most vulnerable ones: artists and addicts. Sometimes these groups intersect for whatever reason.
When and where?
Every full moon. Online. And offline from May.
Updated in May 2024, after receiving initial feedback. It seems that Berlin needs this type of event more than others.
24/04/2024
Full Moon Addiction I: Berlin
23/05/2024
Full Moon Addiction II Berlin
22/06/2024
Full Moon Addiction III ?
21/07/2024
Full Moon Addiction IV ?
19/08/2024
Full Moon Addiction V Berlin
If you have a location where you want to host us, reach out via moon@sicut-dico.com
Why?
In this world, everything has a price. But not everything can be bought with money. No, the world is not black and white. We’re all different. We’re more than two genders, more than good and bad, we’re becoming more complex by the minute.
We live in a world where equality is synonymous with helplessness. We are prisoners of a rudimentary knowledge of the world. We make children and adults addicted to their own dopamine on a massive scale, and it’s totally legal and called social media. Yet if they manage to smoke a herb that human beings have been using for thousands of years, we prosecute them and deny them a future.
And I’m not even talking about the responsibilities of the pharmaceutical and food industries on the scale of addictions and other health issues. I don’t want to make things look too dark too quickly. I hope we can learn together how to put an end to this mess. But there is a lot of work.
My artistic goal here is to build a community of people who agree that the most important things in life are not things. At least, not material things.
My personal goal is to control my addiction to tobacco and replace it with the euphoria of helping people be themselves.
What?
Donation based tickets will be available 3 weeks before (pay what you can). One week before prices for tickets go up for the first time. Then we are rising prices on the day of the event again. It’s still capitalism, sorry. At least this way certain amount of tickets will be available for lower prices.
Support group will be available for everyone registered. For free online. Donation based offline.
We will offer separate tickets or a bundle. Yearly pass option should be available too. Online and offline. Hopefully this way some parts of the event will finance the other.
How?
To be notified when tickets are available for the next event, send us an email at moon@sicut-dico.com. And don’t hesitate to share your story with us.
It is a full day event starting at 12 midday and ending in 10-12 hrs, consisting of 5 blocks:
AUCTION / AWARD / SUPPORT / REALITY CHECK / HEALING
The auction consists of exhibiting and selling a series of works of art. The event will start with the intro of the artworks. The auction itself will take place at the very end of the event.
Award is actually about humor. I’d like to invite stand up comedians to take part in the event and make it less dramatic. (In April, the prize goes to Germany for legalizing pot and to the police in general. They win a chance to laugh and accept reality together. Also a bit of gratitude. But not all of them. I will explain this personally.) I also invite journalists and politicians to join public debates on the topics. But for the first event I just imagined a 40-50 minutes comedy show with my moderation. My guess here is that we might not be ready to talk about certain things seriously until we get to laugh about them. It’s a theory to test.
Support consists of inviting all sorts of addicts that don’t fit in other groups, as well as the people who live or work with them, to an honest conversation. Without judgment, but with a consensual exchange of views, feelings and positions. I’ll share part of my story, invite people to share theirs or ask me questions. I went to a number of support groups over the last few years. Some specialized on alcohol, some treating all addictions as sicknesses. Most of them made me feel guilty. Or broken. Yes I could see people there who seemed to be even more broken. Here is my short story.
I stopped drinking in 2018. Since 2022 I almost live without suicidal thoughts and panic attacks. I regularly support other people with similar issues. I eat and exercise. My health is finally okay and getting better. I work on multiple projects. But I smoke weed. Now I am planning to give up tobacco btw. It bothers me. But I don’t want to give up weed. I don’t smoke every day. Weed is the only drug that doesn’t make me feel like having more and more of it. I can moderate it. It is still an addiction. No plan to argue with that.
Should I feel broken though? I don’t think so. Moderation is the key. This is what I learned so far about addictions – it is so much easier to control them if we face them, call them by their names, don’t judge or punish, but understand why they form. At this point I simply want to share what helps me. And perhaps offer other people to tell their stories.
Reality checks will happen for each their own. I intend to talk about issues surrounding substances and addictions.
If it comes to my personal routine. I won’t be smoking anything the week leading up to the event. So I can have some sober experience to live through every time and be able to support others.
I do not want to promote smoking weed. But I also don’t want to hide if I do so. I think we should simply look for new ways of dealing with addictions. That I can’t imagine happening without dialogue.
I would also like to talk about the absurdity of testing strategies used now. Example. If I smoke a lot of THC weed at some point and then stop, get tested a few weeks after, the tests that are used right now most likely will not help me to prove that I didn’t smoke those weeks before. And the general issue of the misperception of good and bad drugs in our society. Or tolerance issues. The hypocrisy we foster out of ignorance will cost us dearly.
This part is for the good of future generations of sensitive people like me. We should learn how to not create addicts. Instead of stigmatizing some. Or rewarding others. In the long term I would also like to invite doctors to a discussion and those who can respect my sensitivity could actually examine me, and I’ll be happy to share my knowledge and experience with them.
The healing session will be led by Gene Bogolepov. She has prepared an intense and sensual 30-minute audiovisual experience. I guess here I wonder if I can have issues with calling a musical performance a healing session. I honestly believe that art can heal. But we are not promising miracles either. The world is broken, not us.
Closing of the auction will also be streamed online.
How much?
free or donation based for support seekers, tickets to the show via mail list, mycelium members – free
All proceeds from the event above expenses will be donated to Ukraine.
“Bodies” is Gene’s favorite track from this album, so we started with it.
I hope we can recall here that our human body is in fact the most sophisticated of all drug dispensers, simply because it can produce unique cocktails specially designed for us.
I hope we’ll be grateful to our bodies more often.
(trigger/content)Warnings: money, politics, strong personal opinion, longread, no nudity)
First of all, I feel very nice to know that I’m not just screaming into the void anymore and have more curious souls landing here daily to watch me.
Welcome.
However you got here.
Who is this post for?
If you are here to see how my project develops – this post is for you for sure. If you have your own project in development or only plan to start something, feel free to learn from my mistakes. You can send me a blank email to newsletter@sicut-dico.com to get updated without following me on social media.
But let’s get to the screenshots below. Here I try to show you a bit of the dynamics of returning and new users over the last year according to google analytics.
My plan is to update you on every 1000 unique users landing here until it gets either too fast or too boring. Now it’s getting more and more interesting every day, but it’s my perspective.
Let me first explain what it means – to get 1000 unique users on an independent website. But while I’m doing this I’m going to ask you to try to not think of these 1000 users from the perspective if it’s good or bad. It’s neither. It’s just a step. It’s just a number.
So here I have to ask you and myself to stop evaluating and get back to observing. None of the things mentioned above are good or bad.
From the side of my expectations, the candle business is going faster than I expected and most of the time I like it, the development of the audience is rather slow though. I guess the perfectionist inside me expected this to happen faster. Like a lot faster.
Well. I’m very grateful to myself that I could actually take it so slow.
The spikes represent the moments when I’d posted more actively but in general, I consider my posting activity quite low at this whole time and inconsistent.
It’s good that it’s slow enough so it’s possible to actually see the magic later. Or the absence of it. Depends how you look, of course. Also, my posting consistency is getting better, obviously.
But what is the price of this all? I received a lot of feedback. Positive, negative, constructive, judgmental, mixed, carefully sorted. Silence and ignorance count as feedback too. I got plenty.
Why do I not care for followers on social media? How dare I write so much about myself? Why do I not run ads for myself if I run them for others? How is it so complicated and disturbing? Why do I price myself so high? Do I promise something, but not deliver it? Do I really want to sell candles or do I just want attention?
generalised feedback from mainstream social media audience
All those questions I received daily. The most invasive ones come usually as dm’s on Instagram. Some came from people who barely knew me, some from absolute strangers, funny enough even people whom I considered close to me tended to slide into my dm’s with one or two phrases generally telling me that I’m not fulfilling their expectations for some reason.
That’s one of the things why I don’t like mainstream social media for. Their whole concept is toxic. Especially Facebook products – they are designed to help the black-and-white style of thinking to thrive and consume our souls.
I’d like to keep mine away from that madness. As much as I can.
So here is the compromise. I keep running my accounts on the evil soil because I can connect there with other like-minded people. But don’t generate content that benefits the platform and I for sure do not give it my own money anymore.
If you are one of that returning users, you probably already got that. But I’m trying to make sure we are all on the same page.
What is going on here now?
This post is an explanation that will work only for people who are ready to understand. The speed of growth might change soon. So this post is also my intention to document the current statistics and comment on what I consider important to share right now.
When we were in Greece, I got my old Instagram account unblocked with 6000 users who knew me as a russian-speaking blogger. It returned to me after almost a year-long ban.
I didn’t advertise this website to them yet. I’m not sure they’ll all like what I have to say here, but I think some will understand.
Just keep in mind – the person who used to run that blog is dead. I’m not that person anymore. I might have inherited some of the values, perhaps some hobbies, but not all the stuff by far.
That’s exactly why I created this site. To grow my own bubble of people who appreciate the same things and care about feelings in the same way. But this time with no chance for any platform to take away my right to connect with those who chose to connect with the new version of me. And it’s happening.
Well. Like everything that happens to me, it’s a bit wild and full of complications, but it’s okay.
Store orders, bookings and emails
I’m still more or less a one-person operation. The people who help me are listed as co-creators but they all have their own projects, so I’m open to hiring more assistants for canbed.one purpose, my kinky projects and the general goal of the destruction of capitalism, but this will be unfolded in another post.
I’m at least a week behind on emails, I’ll catch up by the end of this week.
I’m fully booked for July and August. If you’re thinking of hiring me this year, please get in touch now.
What’s the plan further?
Have I ever said that I dream to fuck capitalism with its own relics?
It’s not just a pretentious phrase. My dreams have a high chance of becoming real if I focus on them. That’s exactly the part of the magic I’m trying to show you. Or the absence of it.
But it’s not an easy task either. I’m going to need your help.
I intend to keep going on the energy exchange where I give what I have to give, and those who have the intention to take the gifts can take them anytime they feel ready. The story will only get better with time.
Next station is: money making factory
My financial results from this project. (You can see the euro symbol on the screenshots, but google analytics doesn’t represent reality) Also, I need a good accountant to give you better money stats, but let’s start with some numbers today.
In the first year, I got a bit more than 200 EUR from less than 15 people.
In the last two months, I got more than 2000 EUR (from how many people – impossible to say, that’s why I need an accountant).
But I think those who want to understand my point about sharing money dynamics got the point. Or hopefully a few points. I have no intention to write them down here, it’s too early. But I want to write a few more questions here.
Would it be possible for me to even go this way without having a financial backup pillow from my old life?
If I, a professional marketing specialist and business owner with 10+ years of experience, feel frustrated sometimes while promoting myself because it’s a completely different story, then how the hell are other artists without all this experience supposed to handle all this shit?
Can we change the situation by exchanging our experiences more openly, actively, and with a higher level of transparency?
How does talking about money often makes you feel?
Have you ever thought about how useful it is to preserve the current state of the financial system if everyone more or less avoids talking about money unless absolutely necessary or feels uncomfortable asking for payments?
Anyway. Call me crazy, but I want to live in a world where paying for something or being paid for something aren’t off-putting topics.
There’s no shame in exchanging resources or power consensually.
In this world, everything has a price. We pay with money, our time or our health, our kindness or our reputation, and some things cost some of us our lives. Nothing is free. We are the essential result of an exchange of energy, whether we like it or not. But the part where right now most of us are born already in debt does not have to stay.
I’m sorry if that’s complicated.
That’s why I’m here asking you to be patient and kind. I slowly understand myself and allow you to see the world as I see it. As I feel it. Not to make you feel the same. Not to evaluate things as right or wrong.
I don’t have all the answers.
I’m only the impulse.
So the next step is the one where I help Gene with their financial strategy and focus on making communication about money more comfortable for us all.
If you like what I’m doing you can support my blog here. If you want to follow our discussion about money specifically – send us a blank email with the word “money” in the subject field to newsletter@sicut-dico.com.
I have no pictures on my phone from last Saturday and half of the performance that I did that night unfortunately was not documented at all.
However.
slides from the performance on 25.02.2023 at Kitkatclub Berlinslides from the performance on 25.02.2023 at Kitkatclub Berlinslides from the performance on 25.02.2023 at Kitkatclub Berlin
That night for sure is going to stay in my memory and most likely in the memory of others who witnessed the show. Some pictures are coming for sure, but later. Today I only give you a chance to see how Gene was seeing me in the last few days. I have to say, I’m feeling inspired and refreshed.
As if we got one step closer to overthrowing capitalism and killing putin at the same time.
leather chain by Danilov Harnessoriginally this was a skirtbut I mostly wear it on my chestI got this item as a gift from a lover from DniproI’m wearing it weekly for already more than a yearthe quality is quite good!I’ll show you more ways of using it soonsupport Ukranian fetish brands
I’m very grateful to my colleagues from Let’Z Fetish academy and Ari Denaro specifically for letting me do my art and supporting me in my craziness.
ALSO! A huge thanks to Ben for being so helpful and brave, sorry I burned your wiener!
Another gallery of pictures where I’m already a lot more dressed shows the process of packing and signing candles. I don’t buy any special package material, all candles are packed and signed by me, and with packing materials that were already in use.
Gene has a few more candles in Berlin for picking up. The store is close to being launched. Now preparing drops for Paris and London and can accept 1-2 custom orders.
That’s more or less it for now and the train is almost arriving in Prague. Thanks for reading me.
June’s reflection brought me to not only publish that nude yoga video (June’s reflection part 1) for public observance but also to write this appreciation post, where I want to say a massive
THANK YOU
to the people who supported me with my exploration journey in 2022.
First of all
Thank you, Patrons! Without you believing in me at the beginning of this year, I wouldn’t be able to gather the inner resources to do what I eventually did.
The reflection project is my attempt to make my blog better structured and more consistent. But I feel like it’s a great investment in life for people like me, who like to live fast and devalue our own achievements. It feels good to slow down, breathe, and look back.
For the door to the kinky Narnia backstage of Let’Z Fetish Academy that you so kindly opened for me, and thanks for supplying me with tools and techniques as well.
Ari Denaro is showing how things are done. You can see me trying to compete in the background.
But most of all, thank you for accepting me for who I am, accepting my ways, and the ethics that I carry. Thank you for your free spirit, curiosity, and will to understand new.
I’m grateful for your trust. But you know this already. So just fucking big ass thank you, dear Ari!
for the amazing headpiece, for being an even more amazing friend, and for all your talent and help! I can’t wait for the next round of creating something together.
The outfit for Psycho Dark party in June that you see in the gallery below was done by Julia. I think I’d like to wear it more next year, I like I how it makes me feel. If you go to Ari’s website you can see more pictures from Psycho parties btw.
It’s always a pleasure to deal with you, and thank you for being so sweet.
Here is the gallery. Enjoy!
Thank you, beautiful Ángela. You were such a pleasure!
Since I started naming people, I’m not sure exactly how to stop. It’s so many of you, my dear friends and lovers, to whom I want to scream: THANK YOU FOR BEING IN MY LIFE.
But let’s make a deal. I’ll name the Slut, Gene, and Sil because I already introduced them here and they are my closest family. Thank you, darlings, just for who you are.
I also have to name Shanti and Kay, because they are involved in the recent posts. Shanti gave me an Interview about hooks and ropes, and Kay was once a very cool creative partner in crime I used her pictures to illustrate another post (Born weird) that I decided to make public this year.
So the rest of the deal is that I stop naming people I want to thank, so we can all have our lives. And you start clicking on the links and getting to know me a bit better. Because that was the whole plan.
Support my blog if you like the content. I’m planning to have a few days off from posting now, and come back with fresh nudes and stories. I still have so much to tell!
(CW: nudity, self reflection from march 2022 written a year after)
Let’s begin with the reflection session results this time. I started with taking pictures. I tried different angles, but the look from the bottom seems to be one of my favorites.
In the process, I decided to spank myself a little. Mostly to make that slow-mo video, but also to get a reminder about the sensations that I give to others. It felt good.
Another video was originally just to choose some snap-shots from, but I like how real I am there.
Now let’s get to the story I have after reflecting on March 2022
Pain and pleasure essentially are the same thing. Sensations. Sometimes we forget about this fact. But it’s all in our heads. I had a painful butt for a week in March, and I enjoyed every day of it hurting just because it was my decision to get that damage.
We humans are very funny creatures indeed. Every time I sat down I was feeling the pain, but I liked it, and even now, after almost a year I feel a lot of positive emotions about that pain. No memories attached, really. It just felt good.
It was a roller coaster month otherwise. I had absolutely incredible experiences, and the darkest moments of this year as well, all mixed up.
I started Patreon, but kept writing in russian, and even though I already understood that it had to stop, I kept following the old program. I guess I was just not able to not write about some things.
On the positive side – I got better at finding adventures for my ass. I met Ari and started using Fetlife. More of my fantasies became actions. For the first impact play workshop, I chose to go for a switching session, and not only tried all popular spanking devices that are offered by Let’Z Fetish Academy at Kitkatclub but got a nicely bruised butt with exactly the same choice of tools back. The results you can see below.
But this was my fun life
My real life continued falling apart. Most of my income directly involved russia. I had a European franchise business there, I was consulting on marketing and business strategy, basically, I was a bridge between the modern western world, where I lived and consumed information, and the post-Soviet purgatory, that had just opened the gates to hell.
Balancing those two lives brought me questions.
Which one is real?
Which one should be real?
Can I make a living out of blogging about all this?
The concept of the blog I had before seemed like a setup to failure. (I had about 8000 followers of russian-speaking audience on Instagram, where I was posting about keto food and open marriage experiences, but that was more of a side project for me to digest emotions and feel seen.)
What do I have to offer? I knew I like to be seen, and I like to interact with an audience. I was craving the excitement of playing with them, and being in control of the game. I fantasized about the attention of many. Not necessary to like me. But to notice me. Acknowledge me Feel something. But fantasies and reality are not easy things to connect, so I’m glad I believed in myself enough to follow the art of small steps and explore what it brings.
February was a disaster month. The first half of it I was battling post-covid depression and weakness in my body, and just when I started climbing out of it, the war started. I wanted to die from that virus. I had so many plans and hopes that crashed. But also so many doubts that just received concrete solid confirmations of the worst. Workwise, I was utterly unhappy. I had a lot of projects, but they all seemed pointless. Stupid games, where the only factor that mattered was money.
I realized that wasting my life in order to just chase money or do something else with it was actually in the range of my control. It had to be something else. But the reality was brutal and dark. The world seemed to be all about money. Or the power that money brings.
How the fuck do other people not freak out about this as much as I do? Why does everyone seem to find it all somehow acceptable? Am I the only crazy one?
The day after the war started, I went on a date. On the way, I thought it was a shitty idea. I was empty. But that date was a blast, I swear I had nothing like this before. It felt like I opened some magical door in my body: all the sensations got an upgrade. Every orgasm was stronger than another and I didn’t feel overstimulated. In fact, I wanted to have the levels of stimulation that my sensitive body was never ready to experience before. I sort of managed to relax into it. I don’t know how many times I came that evening, it would be foolish of me to even attempt to count. And at some point, of course, it stopped..
My legs were shaking for an hour afterwards. The best I could do was a joke that I probably overdosed myself on sex for a few days. But I came home and realized that I was horny again. Another thing I remember thinking, looking in the mirror: I was happy.
Happy, horny, and ashamed of it.
I think I was kinda ashamed of that horniness. Good thing I had my therapist. Together we accepted the positive truth: it felt good. And that was the most important thing. As if my body decided to give a reward for all the stress and sadness it had endured.
So I can almost say I was prescribed to have good sex for mental health reasons. I think it was a very good trick. Almost like it wasn’t my decision, because I wasn’t exactly sure if I deserved happiness. I mean this kind of happiness, especially.
Why not?
I didn’t realize that I was still so attached to Russia and the mentality that it programs into people. That shame of horniness was definitely a gift from my past. I was still trapped in the concept of being “a good girl”.
And good girls are not horny all the time, and they definitely don’t plan their life around sex events.
…happened shortly before the war. Since I wanted to visit more venues that hosted kinky parties, one of my lovers invited me to a club I’d never been to. We planned that date for quite some time, tickets were bought online, and the process of choosing the outfits and discussing other details was one of the pleasant things that month, actually helping me to feel better. Pink hair also wouldn’t have happened without that party plan.
I was sharing this story with my followers on TG, but back then I was still writing mostly in russian. That was the only text I wrote in English that month. I think I didn’t really understand how hard it is to just switch languages. But I’m glad I didn’t understand that back then, it didn’t stop me from taking the small steps forward. It is worth the struggle.
