Suicidal crisis in Norway

TW: suicidal thoughts and hypocrisy

I don’t know if we should call the mess we all live in a civilization. It’s terribly misleading.

I write this partly to digest the events myself, but mostly to expose the reality.

To whom it may concern. I don’t have a big audience here yet. Also, it doesn’t matter. This is just a step. One of the many steps I need to take to keep moving forward.

Important is that this story will stay here. Just as it will remain in my memory. And, I hope, in the memories of those involved too. Memories are not indexed by search engines though.

Let’s start with the emotional part first

On Friday, I wanted to kill myself with a pocket knife or just smash my head against a glass door so that the glass would break and cut my throat, hopefully badly.

No, this is not a metaphor.

I had these thoughts at the police station, where I was being detained for bringing CBD weed into Norway.

I wanted them to scrap my blood from the floor and question their own existence, whilst my suffering would be ended.

When they let me out (but kept my passport so I had to show up the next day), my suicidal plan scenery moved over & outside, to somewhere in the main square of this town.

I know what that looks like. Stop reading if this triggers you.

It’s horrible. Disturbing. Stupid. And yet, it’s real. It happens to me.

When I checked into the hotel I was allowed to stay for that night.

I asked for an emergency phone number to call in case of a mental health crisis. I knew I needed help. I knew the thoughts I was having were not okay.

Do you think I was able to talk to anyone? No. The best I got was a chat service that told me they wanted to be there for me, and then, I guess, moved on to the next line.

Like I said. Civilization is a misnomer. It’s just an illusion. Maybe it works for the rich or the insensitive. I am neither type.

Writing all of this makes me feel so silly after the crisis is over. But I have to do it. This is not the kind of post I had planned to write. But it’s the kind of message this world needs to read.

My therapist asks me to be kind and patient with myself.

So I try. That’s why you can read it here. And that’s partly why I’m still breathing.

But I am trapped in my own logic. It’s all my fault, of course. For bringing the weed. For not checking all the rules, but falling for the truth that I wanted to be real (that it’s 2023 and medical cannabis is a normal part of life).

But no. Apparently, this is not the case in Norway. Here I am a criminal.

UPD SATURDAY EVENING

Today, for an hour, a Russian voice read official documents to me over the phone as I sat in the police station surrounded by three officers. I asked that the Russian language not be used, as it is a trigger for me, especially when people in uniform surround me.

But they said they are doing what is right.

It was a real torture for me. Even though everyone was very polite and no one touched me, of course, I still felt tortured. I can also say that not everyone enjoyed it. But some did. I know what sadists look like. I’m one too.

I think I should also mention here that I was harassed and beaten by the police in my own country. Seems like that memory has stayed with me much deeper than I thought.

Anyway. I’m out of crisis for now, we’ve rejoined our company on the boat and I’m technically free until Monday. I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow and then I hope to enjoy the fjords a bit.

Now let’s get to the factual part

On Friday I was processed by 4 police officers and I’m not counting the people who searched us and my car once they got us. I’m sure it was more than 5 of them plus a dog. I didn’t hide anything since I didn’t consider it illegal, but they still undressed us and threw all our belongings to the floor and dirty benches around.

On Saturday I had 3 people dealing with me at the station, plus the translator spoke to me on the phone.

However, my point here is that so far me, my 6,5g (together with the bag btw) of CBD weed, has gotten the attention of more than 10 government employees. And I’m only counting the people I spoke with or saw with my own eyes.

I hope Norwegian people feel very safe.

NB. Apparently, Norwegian police people believe that telling me that I “speak good English for a russian” – is totally a valid compliment and not at all an insult. Well. They also called Czech Republic “Czechoslovakia”, so I guess it fits the whole picture.