when a hammer is just a hammer

CW: Police, suicide, activism, drugs

Update. It’s 13:06 (25.07) I got back home and washed my feet, and now my plan is to briefly write down the things I want to share here and then I need to take some rest.

I’m impressed. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I had no idea how kind this city is. Thank you, Prague! To everyone who stopped, who looked me in the eyes, who took pictures, who asked questions, to those who smiled, and especially to the grumpy ones.

I love you.

I know, my message was long and confusing. I’ll try to change it next time. Right now I have a lot of tension in my body because I was holding a hammer with my story hanging on it for almost 3 hours. But I never felt that free. And now I know a little bit more about how to phrase myself better. I know it’s hard to understand my motives. It’s okay.

I didn’t go anywhere else. I thought I’d sit down, have a break and continue for another hour or two. But my body was not ready to do more. I can’t say it was my easiest performance. But it wasn’t hard either. I don’t know how else to tell you this. I felt like I was doing exactly what I had to do.

…

The text below is written by me today so I could print it and personally display it tomorrow in Prague’s city center. I plan to start here at 9 am and be there for 3-4 hours at least. I’ll keep my location updated. If anyone wants to come and talk to me or take a picture together. You are very welcome. Also, feel free to help me by sharing this post wherever you feel like. Thank you.

Dear people of Prague, I’m standing humbled and grateful for the right to share my story with you. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not here to protest, and certainly not to judge anyone. I’m just a girl who sells herself on the internet and is happy to do so. Not really the judgment material, right? Good. That’s my goal.

I’m here to say: thank you, Czechia.

Also, I believe in you! Especially today!

I believe that those whose duty is to judge today would do well to be very careful and remain human.

I know we can. If anyone still can – I believe it’s you, the people of Prague.

I am grateful for the free air I breathe here and I want to return the favor with the most precious thing I have: honesty.

The ability to be naked. Not just physically. But also spiritually.

This is a dark story about drugs and suicide. If you are feeling triggered, don’t read on and ask for help.

I want to share what I’ve learned and what I think about drugs as someone whose classmates used to celebrate the end of the year with heroin.

I was born in 1986 on a piece of the old Silk Road, russian territory, technically, but five times closer to Mongolia than to Moscow. 

As far as I could find out: I’m half Dutch and half Ukranian if the linguistic and geographical characteristics of my origin are anything to go by. English is not my native, but the preferred language I speak at home.

I’m a hyper-sensitive queer female, a former project manager, marketing strategist, and web developer who gave up on corporations and is only willing to serve art and love. 

My cousin died from drugs at the age of 25. I started smoking weed at around the same time, when I was 13, at the same time as I tried alcohol and tobacco. But I mostly developed addictions to alcohol and tobacco. I only smoke weed now, for the last 1,5-2 years.

I’ve tried to live sober. I can, technically. I did a lot of therapy and still do. I help other people to stop drinking now and find a lot of support in it. Living in Berlin I found a lot more souls like myself and I’m glad I’m not alone anymore.

I just have one problem – from time to time I just can’t see the state of the world and feel like burning myself in the main square just to hit the lucky bingo. Put me out of my misery. And give you a reason to think that maybe everything isn’t going so well inside people like me.

When I smoke certain strains of weed, I can forgive myself for not being perfect. For feeling what you call “too much”. I can self-reflect and understand myself better. That’s why I moved to the Czech Republic. I feel a bit safer here than anywhere else to be that kind of addict.

I gave up smoking cigarettes only at 26 or 27. Alcohol addiction stayed with me until 32. I smoke weed for a few years now. I’ve never done anything I regret after being stoned. I can’t say this about alcohol.

Legal drugs are the worst. Because they are everywhere. Because people keep offering you a drink even if you try to ask them not to.

I’m sure I could easily live a sober life in a sober world. 

But do we have one?

We have to understand that the issue is not THE DRUGS AT ALL.

The issue is the escape that more and more people are craving. 

Desperately.

To just break out from this cruel and harsh reality, we are all trapped in. Just for a brief moment.

This May I went to Norway for vacation. I tried to bring weed with me. I was not hiding it. I just could not imagine this could cause any issues for me. I was stupid. So I was processed by the police there for 4 days and that caused me a mental health crisis. At least 12 people were involved. 

12 people. for 4 days. were dealing with one suicidal girl and her few grams of a plant that is growing on our planet probably longer than we exist. 

Is there logic?

Why do we not ban tools like hammers and knives, but do this with other tools like drugs? How do we select good and bad drugs?

Why do some people in the police believe that it’s a good idea to shake those kids selling the wrong drugs on telegram instead of looking at the other end of the mess?

Is it just me seeing this as a very safe way for police to do their jobs technically but also only treat the symptoms and punish people who are the most vulnerable in the whole chain?

Could it maybe be different if we try to protect the weakest? Not to punish them further for being vulnerable in the first place?

Again. I’m just a girl who sells her body on the internet and advocates for art. I’m no one to judge. I just have questions. Or let’s call them thoughts to share.

I don’t have the answers either. 

I’m not talking only to the Czech Police here. I’m addressing everyone in the system all over the world who has a human heart.

I’m only here to say that I think we can find our answers faster if we try to hear each other before we judge.

Thank you for trying to hear me out. 

Thank you for being a place I want to live FOR and AT. 

If you’re still reading this and want to ask me a question, please do. In-person if you still can. Or by e-mail.