Waking up

(CW: alcohol addiction, strong personal opinion)

For around 10 years, I lived in a limbo of anxiety and self-doubt. I understood that I was weird. I got that part. And I also understood that it wasn’t always a bad thing. But I still had no idea how to live with it.

I moved to Berlin and realized I was an alcoholic. Yes, I know how that sounds. Why would I come to such a realization in a city where avoiding drugs can be quite the challenge? I don’t have an answer. It just happened. One day, I woke up, found an empty wine bottle I had hidden the night before, brought it to my husband, and confessed. He had no idea. I was good at hiding it.

That moment is one I’ll never forget. It was hard: scary, first of all. I felt exposed. Broken. Ashamed. Lost. But also liberated. I didn’t feel strong at the time, but now I can’t ignore how much stronger that truth made me. Not all at once, but day by day, it’s started to feel like a superpower.

That’s how I traded one addiction for another. I don’t need substances if I can be honest. Alcohol was just a tool to numb the pain of not being accepted for who I am.