January raw reflection

(CW: politics, nudity, strong personal opinion, long texts, intense and sensual music)

January 2022 was full of unsexy shit. I went to Russia to see my mom and got Covid on the way back. It’s harder for me to feel sexy in a country where the oppression of sexuality is part of the ideology. The air I breathe there reminds me that I simply don’t belong. I noticed people looking at me like they were scared, or in the best case, frustrated.

But I managed to make that trip not so awful in the end: I went snowboarding, had a lot of massages and good food, and ordered some tailored clothes for going out. That’s what I want to focus on for today. 

I ordered not just regular clothes, but a few sexy outfits that I specifically planned to wear at sex parties and similar events. That action was extremely empowering. I’m not sure if I understood exactly in January how much I had invested in myself, but I’m glad it happened. 

I was talking to the tailor (a friend, and a client of mine) about the purpose of the items and she asked me a question. What do I do when I go to those places? What is happening there? She was extremely curious about details and honestly, I didn’t know what to say.

I didn’t really know myself yet. 

The best way I could phrase the answer at that moment was this:

I like to be seen naked. Or half naked. Show my tits to be precise

I like the attention that I get from people. I like the thrill of preparing for the party— thinking things through in my  head, defining boundaries, and searching for curiosity peaks. 

The longer I was questioning every bit of morality that I grew up with, the more I could see how quickly the power of social prejudices faded in my eyes. I’ve enjoyed the results quite a lot. Back then I was still afraid of what would come out of me, but I knew I owed myself this exploration.

And you know what happens when you tell people you are into sex clubs? They start telling you their own personal things. I don’t know if it’s a general rule or it just works that well for me, but I get many personal stories from many different people. And this kind of information helped me tremendously to accept myself through understanding how different we all are. 

Getting the clothes specifically designed for being naked made me feel grown up and powerful. As if I owned the world. I knew already from my business experience that a good suit or a good dress can make you feel stronger. When we like ourselves, it’s easier to believe in ourselves.

To feel real

So for my first reflection session, I wanted to wear those items and film myself. Here are some screenshots from the result.

Originally I just wanted a funny and easy-to-wear coat to have something warm and blanket-like for parties. But the tailor specialized in suits, and her new collection samples were in the showroom. I tried the red suit and fell in love with it. One of my subpersonalities always wanted to look like this. I think it needs some leather or latex accessories, but I have no plans to wear it with a shirt or anything else under it. Just  naked skin. And my tits.

I think it’s important to understand that in January I would not yet put the fetish label on myself openly: I was too scared of it. I was just exploring my sexuality! The whip was stored in a box under my bed, and I would never have believed anyone if they told me that by the end of the year I would use that whip publicly not just once, but in a few European capitals. And that  people would give me money to get whipped!

No fucking way I would believe that!

Life is funny. What can I say? In the gallery below you can see some pictures from that time. I didn’t meet my kinky lovers that month, I think I only had good old home sex and nothing else, but the thought processes in my head were all about planning and arranging new experiences with other horny sexually open people in the future.

Apparently, this was the most boring month of the year, especially if we try to look at it from the sexy POV.

note from my current self

It was my last visit to a terrorist country where I obviously didn’t want to see what was already visible. No one sane wanted to see that in January 2021. However. The fascism was already there. Everyone just preferred to look the other way. I guess this is exactly how fascism is being cooked in the end. Enough good people just need to stay ignorant.

So how is this connected to the point we have started with? Well. I hope this at least serves as an introduction of my background, but the bigger mission behind is to explain why cant I simply stay away from politics? At least in this blog that was supposed to be about me exploring “the realms of sexuality”.

It simple for me. We can’t afford staying away from politics because it is the only way to prevent fascists from taking over. I’ll try to explain more on the way.